


Push

by shuhannon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Minor Ben Solo/OC, POV Alternating, Rey Needs A Hug, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-03-20 16:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18996376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuhannon/pseuds/shuhannon
Summary: They met when they were kids.Ben was fourteen, Rey was twelve. It was only two years but it felt like worlds apart. They had already been through so much. They had both walked winding, treacherous paths that most people well into adult hood could not begin to relate to, let alone fathom.But Ben understood Rey and Rey understood Ben. That counted for something.* * *The 90's modern AU where Ben and Rey are both sent to live with Luke as kids that nobody asked for. Yet here it is.





	1. Summer 1994

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my first long term, Reylo slow burn. We start this fic in the year 1994 when Ben is 14 and Rey is 12, and we will take it well into their college years/early twenties. Don't be surprised if the chapter count changes. Rating is for future chapters.
> 
> As a 90's baby, it's been a shit ton of fun going back and reminding myself of the songs, the fashion trends, the films that were out and just all things 90's. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think in the comments below! Any and all kudos/comments are greatly appreciated.

She said "I don't know if I've ever been good enough  
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in  
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved  
By a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give  
And I'm a little bit angry"

 

‘Push’ by Matchbox 20

 

* * *

 

They met when they were kids.

  


Ben was fourteen, Rey was twelve. It was only two years but it felt like worlds apart. They had already been through so much. They had both walked winding, treacherous paths that most people well into adult hood could not begin to relate to, let alone fathom.

  


But Ben understood Rey and Rey understood Ben. That counted for something.

  


Of course just because they shared a kinship didn’t make their relationship smooth sailing.

  


They fought; they bickered and argued and Rey would shove her body up against Ben’s, her shoulder slamming hard into his side to get him to move when he wouldn’t so in return he would elbow her right back.

  


He taunted her. He teased her and baited her. Because he was two years older, and it gifted him seniority. Two years didn’t matter when you were in your thirties or forties. Two years barely existed when you were in your seventies and eighties.

  


But when you were barely fourteen, with your voice beginning to crack and your body beginning to change, with zits and acne breaking out all over your face and hormones surging through your body, giving you wet dreams and a hard on in your pants in the middle of math class, two years felt vast. It felt like the Grand Canyon was stretched out between Rey and Ben. Because she would never understand. She would never catch up. 

  


And by the time she got to thirteen; by the time her body began to betray her and she would cry for no reason, or even worse, cry over something stupid, trivial and small; by then it would be too late. Because by the time Rey finally got to thirteen, Ben would be long gone, already onto fifteen.

  


Not that it stopped Rey from trying.

  


* * *

  


They had come to live with Luke for different reasons but also the same.

  


Ben’s parents were getting a divorce.

  


He knew this even though they were trying to hide it. He probably knew before Leia and Han even realized that their marriage had become nonsalvageable. It had become broken, maybe not beyond repair but they were both tired and exhausted and neither one was willing to put in the work to piece it back together.

  


Maybe that’s why Ben began to act out.

  


It had started with little things. Stealing candy bars from bodegas. Skipping school to go goof around at the skate park. Not turning in homework or bothering to even try on tests. He opted to turn in plank papers rather than putting forth any effort.

  


Ben began just shut down.

  


Then he got suspended for smoking in the middle school locker room.

  


Then he got expelled for fighting.

  


There was this this kid named Maul who was a grade above Ben. He was always break dancing in the quad. He was a cocky little asshole who thought because he could do flips like a fucking gymnast, that he could run his mouth around.

  


Ben had just wanted to put him in his place.

  


It only took Ben one solid punch to the jaw and Maul was on the ground. Then Ben was on top of him and he just kept punching and punching and punching. Ben couldn’t stop. He couldn’t hear or think or feel. He couldn’t even see. Everything went black.

  


It had taken three teachers to pull Ben off of the kid. Or at least that’s what he had been told. By then, Maul’s face they said was unrecognizable; it was nothing but red.

  


And ambulance had been called. The police showed up.

  


Ben was done at Hanna City Prep. Of course Ben had been done with the school long before this incident had happened. Now the feeling was just mutual.

  


His mom had wanted to send him to boarding school. His father nipped that idea in the bud. Because it would be the same thing with a different backdrop and more expensive tuition.

  


Leia then countered back with military school. Ben needed discipline and a strict regime. He needed to be scared straight. He needed a way to channel his anger, his mother had argued back, needed an outlet and a strong hand to guide him.

  


Han vetoed that even more than the boarding school.

  


They finally agreed on Luke.

  


Luke was his mother’s twin brother. He was a strange hermit who lived out in the middle of nowhere, on an old depleted farm. They only saw him once every couple of years

  


And now apparently Ben was to go live with him.

  


“It’s the best compromise we’ve got, kid.” Han had said, a hand clapped on Ben’s shoulder. “At least this way, you’ll be with family.”

  


Ben didn’t reply.

  


He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just stay with his family. He didn’t understand why he had to be shipped away at all.

  


* * *

  


Rey had been at Luke’s only three months before Ben arrived.

  


She was a foster kid he had taken in on a whim. A ‘troubled youth’, her caseworker liked to describe her, along with ‘fiery’, ‘stubborn’ and ‘determined’. Determined to do what, Rey didn’t know. But she had been bounced around from group home to group home to know better than to get too comfortable.

  


At least Luke was better than her last foster father. Unkar Plutt managed to smile enough to the case workers that no one saw any red flags. Everyone was too over worked, overcome with case loads, and too underpaid. Unless there were complaints loud enough to make waves, everyone continued to work. They were all well oiled pieces in a broke machine.

  


Plutt owned a junkyard. There was about five kids living in his care when Rey arrived. They were expected to work. And fuck they worked hard, hauling trash and digging through pile after pile of junk, trying to find anything of worth. If they found something then they got to eat a hot meal and take a quick shower. Otherwise it was moldy old bread, cold broth and rinsing off with the hose. And not until the never ending list of chores was done for the day, either.

  


Rey was always hungry and dirty at Plutt’s.

  


Soon she got so used to feeling the pangs in her belly, that her stomach stopped gurgling and growling. It knew it wasn’t going to be fed.

  


She got used to her hair being greasy and not being able to tell if it was dirt or freckles on her face.

  


Rey adapted. Rey continued to scavenge to survive.

  


The best day of her life was when Plutt dropped dead. His fat, misshapen body was cold before it even hit the ground. Heart attack, they said. Probably brought on by a poor diet, mixed with unaddressed diabetes, chain smoking and drinking more booze than a human liver should be able to withstand.

  


Two new caseworkers showed up. Erso and Andor. It took one good look at the place to know something wasn’t right. It took about 24 hours to find new temporary homes for all the kids.

  


Rey was the last one to be placed. But Rey ended up with Luke.

  


Luke didn’t talk much. He grunted and mumbled under his breath. He only had one hand. The other was a cheap looking prosthetic which he kept close to his chest. He didn’t offer up any story or explanation. Rey didn’t ask any questions.

  


It was a quiet existence, living with Luke.

  


But Luke also gave her warm meals and clean clothes. She had a proper bed to sleep in was allowed to do as she pleased as long as she didn’t cause trouble and was home before it was dark.

  


Luke owned a pretty big property, most of which was woods. It belonged to his family, from what Rey had pieced together. The old farmhouse needed a new coat of paint and the front porch sagged a little. The roof to the old barn had a big gaping hole but the bones of it sturdy.

  


It wasn’t pretty.

  


Everything was disheveled and in disarray.

  


But for the first time, it was a place that felt safe. It felt like a home. Luke and Rey fell into a silent routine. They stayed out of each other’s ways, only spending breakfast and dinner together, also in enjoyable silence. Rey did her thing. Luke did his. It was a routine and Rey enjoyed it.

  


And then Ben came.

  


He was like a hurricane, nothing but strong winds and angry outbursts, throwing tantrums and punching holes through the faded wallpapered walls.

  


The first day he was there, Rey punched him in the face.

  


She was tall for her age, but skinny and lean. She could out eat anyone at a breakfast buffet, but just recently she was beginning to fill out, after three months of dependable meals. Her ribs were still visible but not scarily so. Her complexion became less waxy; it was more pink and tan, her freckles looking more life like, as her cheeks became round again and the bags under her eyes began to fade.

  


But despite her knobbly knees and skinny arms, Rey knew how to fight. She wasn’t afraid to start throwing punches or to fight dirty; to bite and scratch and pull hair. To do whatever it took to survive.

  


Ben was rocking the boat. He was beginning to make trouble and he hadn’t even been here for a day. Ben was throwing tantrums like a toddler who wasn’t getting their way and Rey did not have time for that shit.

  


So Ben needed to be put in his place.

  


The next time he turned on her with a sneer; his eyes narrowed and the tips of his big ears beginning to turn red, Rey did what she needed to do. She curled her fingers into a fist, wound her hand back and then delivered him a solid punch, square in the face.

  


The sound was oddly hollow, like a metal bat taken to a pumpkin.

  


Blood began to pour, gushing out of his nose, droplets dribbling down his cheeks and his neck and onto his chest. Luke swore loudly and was running to the kitchen for a dish towel. Ben was swearing too, a constant stream and his eyes were watering, as if he was trying so hard to not cry.

  


Rey turned on her heel. She didn’t run. Instead she walked, calmly, with her small hands still curled inward, hanging stiff at her sides.

  


Luke found her an hour later, perched high up on a branch of the old willow tree that stood on the outskirts of the backyard.

  


“I figured you could use some time alone.” The older man had called up to her. He sounded tired and annoyed. But not mad.

  


Rey said nothing.

  


“You broke his nose. He finally stood still enough for me to reset it. He’s sitting in his room with ice on it now.”

  


Again nothing.

  


“Look Rey, Ben’s not had it easy-“

  


“Must be hard to live with two parents.”

  


Her voice was calm, her tone low. But her words sliced through the air, like a hot knife slipping effortlessly through a cold stick of butter.

  


Now it was Luke’s turn to stay quiet.

  


A beat passed. Then two and then three. This was probably the most they had spoken since Rey had arrived on Luke’s doorstep, a plastic bag of her meager belongings in hand and a caseworker by her side.

  


Luke cleared his throat before continuing on. “I’ll make you a deal. You back off from Ben, and I’ll make sure he backs off from you. No more punching okay? You need your space, you take it. But no punching. You got it?”

  


She understood. If she fought with Ben then she was going to have to be relocated.

  


Ben and Luke shared blood. He was family.

  


She was not.

  


She did not want to go somewhere else. So she agreed.

  


That first week, Rey and Ben kept their distance from one another, like cats trying to stake out their territory and study the competition all in one go.

  


Ben’s nose was bruised and swollen. But the purple discoloration faded soon, and the puffy cartilage began to shrink back down to normal size.

  


Still, it wasn’t perfectly straight anymore. There was a little bump on the top of the dorsum. Rey would never tell Ben, but it made him look historical. Like the Roman warriors; the gladiators that fought to the death.

  


He just needed a chariot.

  


But that bend in his nose also served as something else. It was a reminder. Because Ben didn’t throw any other fits at Rey and Rey didn’t throw any more punches at Ben. They had met in the middle of some strange and silent truce.

  


* * *

  


Of course that truce didn’t stop the fighting.

  


They were like cats and dogs; oil and water. They couldn’t agree on anything. Not what to have for lunch or what movie to watch on the old television set that sat in the musty family room.

  


It was the middle of summer. Ben had been living there for a month and the arguing never ended until either Rey was storming outside or Ben was stalking off to his room, the door rattling on its hinges as it slammed shut behind him.

  


“Go outside!” Luke finally bellowed at the two, having had enough of the bickering and the snide remarks passed back and forth in quick succession like a tennis match.

  


“And do what?!” Ben had quipped back, his arms folded across his chest in a defiant manner.

  


“I don’t give a shit, just get the hell out and don’t come back until you two can figure out how to be civil.”

  


Luke all but chased them from the kitchen, herding the two out the backdoor, which Rey had been pretty certain their guardian promptly locked behind them.

  


Ben began to pout and Rey spent the next ten minutes dragging a stick through a dry patch of dirt where the grass had stopped growing long ago.

  


Finally she spoke. “Do you want to build a tree house?”

  


There had been a brief pause and then, “Sure.”

  


They worked on that tree house all summer. It was suspended by a cluster of five trees out in a small clearing in the woods. It was far enough away that you felt isolated, just surrounded by trees and nature, but not too so deep into the forest that they couldn’t hear Luke calling for dinner. They used what they found around the property; old pallets and sheets of slightly rusted, galvanized metal which they used as the roof.

  


The windows had been Ben’s idea.

  


It had been late one summer night. The tree house was still a relatively new idea, with the framework barely started when he showed Rey a rough sketch of his plan. Windows. He wanted to use old windows to create the face of the house.

  


Immediately Rey loved the idea and agreed.

  


So they began to hunt for windows. They scoured junk yards and dumpsters; yard sales and whatever scraps people put by the curb on trash day. It took the entire summer to find enough windows that fit together just right, but the end result was worth it.

  


Apart from the back wall, the entire tree house was encased in windows; windows of different sizes, shapes and made from different materials. It was just a hodge podge of different pieces that conveniently fit together. Sort of like Ben and Luke and Rey. From the outside they didn’t look right. They didn’t seem like a family based on appearances alone. But in their own weird way, they were one.

  


It was building that tree house that brought Rey and Ben together.

  


They still fought. They had fought and bickered and argued with every plank of wood cut to size and every nail hammered. Ben wanted to do it all; wanted to take control and command and Rey just wanted to help because she was good with fixing and building and creating nothing from her bare hands. She had always been good at it, but he didn’t trust her. He saw some annoying tag along; a snot nosed kid who was meddling in his stuff.

  


But then they figured it out. They worked together. They got it done, and by the end they were sweaty and their skin tan. Splinters were still stuck in their skin, and their fingernails were dirty and their palms were calloused.

  


Ben had a bruise right under his eye from where a board had whacked him in the face. Rey’s palm had a huge cut into it, where she got scratched with a stray piece of wood. A splinter two inches long had gotten logged into the soft flesh of her palm, and she had cried while Ben pulled it out.

  


When it was all said and done, they were battered and bruised; tired and sore. But they were closer. They felt connected. They had a summer full of memories, spent teasing and joking and helping each other out. They had a special place, built by their hands and their hands alone, where only they were allowed.

  


It was a turning point in their story. The start of a new chapter.


	2. Fall 1994 - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “School’s fine.” His answer was vague and lackluster. It only made Rey want to know more.
> 
> “Will I have a locker? Do we switch classes like in the high school? Is the food really left over from the prison?”
> 
> Rey might not have any other friends besides Luke and Ben but she watched TV. She read books and saw plenty of movies. The middle school in the media had to be based off of something, right?
> 
> Ben’s snort told her otherwise.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Rey and Ben begin a new school year.

* * *

Rey started middle school that fall.

 

She had never been in a proper school before. Most of the foster families she had lived with had done some version of home schooling. Plutt had never even sent her, which how he bypassed all that red tape, Rey would ever know. She had ended up in Luke’s care last March and it had seemed stupid to enroll her at the local middle school when the school year was so close to the end.

 

Or at least that’s what her caseworker had suggested, something Luke had been fine to go along with.

 

She was given papers to do at home, with the plan to be for Rey to start at the public school come fall.

 

Now the summer had come to the end and the academic year was about to begin.

 

Rey was dreading it.

 

Because going to school meant meeting new people. New people meant questions; questions about her life and her family and she was going to be the new kid which meant more questions. Questions about why she was new to the area. Questions about where she lived before. Questions about why her name was spelled with an ‘e’ instead of an ‘a’.

 

Rey didn’t want to answer anything.

 

It wasn’t as if Ben was even going to be there either. Where as Rey was off to seventh grade, Ben would be moving onto ninth. He would be going to the high school, which was only a couple blocks away but still meant different bus routes and different schedules. Different teachers and different groups of friends to make.

 

Rey was going to be alone again. She had gotten so used to not being alone.

 

“Can’t I just keep being home schooled?” She had asked Luke for probably the hundredth time that summer. “I’ve been doing it this long.”

 

“Which is more reason for the change.” Had come his response, his back turned towards her as he climbed the front porch steps, bags of groceries hooked onto his arms, and a gallon of milk in his good hand, his _only_ hand. Rey moved to help him, grabbing a couple of the paper bags.

 

“Your caseworker thinks it would be good to hang out with kids your own age. To be more social.”

 

“Why?” Rey cut him off, her brow furrowed as she trailed after Luke into the kitchen. “You’re not.”

 

At that Luke merely raised an eyebrow, as if he was silently asking, _do you really want to be like me?_ What he said out loud was, “Your social worker says you have to do it, so you have to do it. It’s out of my control, kid. You’re just going to have to deal with it.”

 

The bag of groceries landed on the kitchen counter with a heavy thud, and the corners of her mouth turned downwards into a deep frown. She would deal with it, but that didn’t mean she would be happy about it.

 

She had new sneakers for the new school year. They were black and already housed numerous scuff marks on the white, rubbery outer rim. Rey had a new backpack too; a blue Jansport that she had picked out herself. It was jammed with different colored notebooks and a handful of pencils and pens.

 

“What’s school like?” She had asked Ben. It was the last full week of summer. School would begin for Tatooine county the following Monday. Like the majority of summer evenings, Ben and Rey were spending it in They were in their tree house. Rey had wanted to hang up string lights, so together they were untangling all the strands of the old Christmas lights that they had dug out of the attic. Luke had said they could use them, as long as they were returned before Christmas time.

 

Christmas seemed forever away. It seemed like a good compromise.

 

Ben didn’t answer right away. His too large fingers were working quickly, though he made little progress. He would huff; would blow out a hot, quick breath of frustration before muttering curse words under his breath. Then Rey would then take the strand; would exchange his tangled mess for her straight strings of lights and suggest that maybe Ben should be hanging them while Rey unknotted the rubbery chords.

 

“School’s fine.” His answer was vague and lackluster. It only made Rey want to know more.

 

“Will I have a locker? Do we switch classes like in the high school? Is the food really left over from the prison?”

 

Rey might not have any other friends besides Luke and Ben but she watched TV. She read books and saw plenty of movies. The middle school in the media had to be based off of _something_ , right?

 

Ben’s snort told her otherwise.

 

“I don’t know about the first two, but no, the food is not sent from the prison. Where the hell did you hear that?”

 

Rey shrugged her shoulders, her gaze going to the tangled ball of fairy lights perched in her lap. She decided to just ask him another question. “What was your middle school like?”

 

She knew that Ben had grown up out east, in Hanna City. She knew his parents were rich and he had been sent to fancy schools with uniforms and posh extracurricular activities like water polo and fencing.

 

Tosche Middle School was just like the town it resided in. Anchorhead was in the middle of nowhere without any shimmer or shine about it. It was practical. A cement box of a school where you could receive a mediocre education for your mediocre life.

 

It wasn’t the best hand to be dealt but Rey knew things could also be a lot worse. She could be back with Plutt in Jakku.

 

But life in Anchorhead was also was a far cry from the metropolis that Ben had lived in for most of his life.

 

Of course he didn’t say anything. Ben _never_ said anything. Or at least not anything important.

 

“It was fine. It was school.”

 

Rey growled in annoyance. Because she knew it hadn’t been fine. Because she had overheard the conversation that Luke and Ben’s mother Leia had had the night before Ben arrived. About how he had been kicked out of his old school (“Again?!” Luke had practically shouted the word in frustration.) Because you didn’t just stop living with your parents for no reason. You weren’t just sent away for the hell of it.

Rey had never been to school. She knew that you learned there and that there was a cafeteria that gave you lunch. That was pretty much it. And now Ben, the only person who she could talk to about this; the only person she could ask questions and get answers was being difficult and he was being difficult on purpose.

 

Because Rey wasn’t asking why he had left Hanna City. Rey wasn’t asking about why his parents only called once a week and why they hadn’t seen their only child in three months. Rey just wanted to know what to do if she had to use the bathroom in the middle of class, or what would happen if she couldn’t get her locker open or just something, _anything_ really.

 

Ben must have sensed her anger because he let out a sigh of his own, before rolling his eyes. “Just lay low. Don’t try to make friends the first day. Give it a week or two. Hang back and observe. Pack your lunch too. You have the stomach of a goat but usually cafeteria food is complete shit.”

 

It wasn’t much but it was also everything. Rey nodded her head, her expression serious. Hang back. Lay low. She could do that.

 

Despite Ben’s advice, her stomach remained in knots for the last week of summer.

 

It was dinner time, one week before the first day of school began. They all had been seated at the kitchen table. It had been Rey’s night to be in charge of cooking dinner so they were, as usual having spaghetti and meatballs. Rey hated to cook. Luke and Ben did too, which is why they started delegating who was in charge of dinner on what nights. Sunday’s and Wednesday’s were for Luke, Monday’s for Rey, Tuesdays were for Ben. The kids were supposed to share Thursdays, Fridays were always pizza and Saturday everyone was on their own, free to feast on whatever leftovers from the week remained in the fridge.

 

Luke’s philosophy was that if they were going to suffer through meal planning and cooking, they were going to suffer together.

 

Rey almost always made spaghetti and meatballs. Sometimes she would venture out into making a lasagna or a baked ziti. Whatever she made, it was almost always Italian food, and the meatballs always came from the freezer section of Aldi’s.

 

Ben always complained but Rey didn’t care. After all, she didn’t bitch at him when he alternated between making tacos and making fajita’s every Tuesday night.

 

All of it was still better than whenever Luke tried to make meatloaf.

 

They were in the middle of eating when the phone rang.

 

Everyone froze.

 

It wasn’t unusual for the phone to ring but it wasn’t entirely normal. Leia always called on a Sunday night, first to speak to Ben (which was usually abbreviated and full of mutters and grunts) and then to talk to Luke. If it had been a good week, that conversation was short. If it had been a bad week, Luke always said that he would ‘take it in the study.’

 

Ben usually just headed to his room or out to the tree house at that point.

 

But it wasn’t Sunday. It was Monday. Rey had risen from the table after the second ring, but then Luke was on his feet, already pushing his chair back and striding towards the faded yellow phone which hung on the wall.

 

“Skywalker’s.”

 

And then there was silence. Luke’s face was always hard to read, but by now Rey liked to think she could at least tell the most common emotions. She watched as he glanced from her and then to Ben. He covered his hand over his mouth and the receiver, talking in a fast, low growl as he turned his back towards the kids.

 

Ben had remained perfectly still, his eyes trained on his uncle. He didn’t move even as Luke hung up the phone, slamming the receiver back down into the cradle with a little too much force. He continued to stay frozen, even as he watched his uncle let out a string of curse words under his breath. Ben said and did nothing as Luke walked back to the table and sat down heavily in his chair. Luke was acting like nothing happened, like the phone call didn’t exist, instead just taking a big bite of spaghetti, the noodles whipping against his face, red sauce splattering across his beard.

 

A moment passed. Rey and Ben continued to sit there, their eyes fixated on Luke, who finally looked back at both of them in turn. He set down his fork, let out a sigh and then reached for his napkin before he spoke.

 

“Ben you’re not going to the high school. You didn’t have enough credits to pass eighth grade, so you’ll be going to Tosche Middle with Rey.”

 

Rey braved herself, her body physically preparing for the backlash.

 

And Jesus, there was backlash.

 

The color left Ben’s face, except for the tips of his ears which were beginning to burn a bright red. His knuckles were pale; white as paper as they gripped his fork and he just stared at his uncle, looking like he was torn between screaming and crying.

 

For a split second, Rey thought that it would be fine. That Ben would just storm up to his room, or maybe even outside. That he would walk away before the inevitable melt down. That he wouldn’t take his anger out on his uncle.

 

Rey was stupid and foolish and wrong.

 

She didn’t even know how. One moment the air was thick and stiff; the kitchen felt freezing and cold and then _crash_.

 

Ben flipped the kitchen table.

 

Glass and cutlery; water glasses and plates of spaghetti went flying. The table skidded on its side across the kitchen floor, and Rey had never seen Luke look so pale. She had never seen such shock on his face and Ben... Ben looked surprised too. He took one look at the mess, and then moved towards the back door, his feet stomping and crunching through the disregarded dinner plates and meatballs.

 

“Don’t even think about it,” Luke warmed, rising from his chair and moving towards his nephew. “Ben you’re going to clean this shit up- _Ben_!”

 

But Ben kept walking. He ignored his uncle as he gripped the backdoor; ignored Luke’s repeated shouts as he slammed the door shut behind him.

 

Luke continued to follow.

 

Rey could hear them shouting in the backyard. Or well she could hear _Luke_ shouting and Ben… Ben said nothing. Ben continued to just walk away, his form disappearing into the woods.

 

When Luke returned to the kitchen, Rey already had retrieved the dustpan and the broom. She had already begun to clean up the mess. They had just begun to eat; had barely gotten three bites in but now Rey found herself not even hungry. She couldn’t remember the last time she had skipped a meal.

 

Luke looked annoyed. She couldn’t tell if he was annoyed because of what had just happened, annoyed that Rey seemed to be the one cleaning up the mess or just annoyed at all of the above.

 

He muttered something about grabbing the mop. Then, together they cleaned the kitchen in silence. They swept up the shattered glass, disposed of the broken dishes and contaminated food. The kitchen table was in one piece, maybe a nick here or a scratch there, but it was so old that it was hard to decipher if they were new battle scars or old ones.

 

It got dark out and Rey continued to keep watch at the back door.

 

She pretended to read. She flipped through some comic books, and even got together all her new school supplies, labeling her folders and notebooks and organizing everything into her backpack.

 

She then decided to eat too. She pulled out an ice cream sandwich from the back of the freezer. It was a little freezer burnt but not bad. Slowly licking the vanilla ice cream along the rectangular rim of the sandwich, her eyes still glued on the backdoor. She wasn’t exactly hungry, but at the same time she felt like she needed to do something. So food it was.

 

It was pitch black outside. Twice Rey had moved to go after him before returning to her seat at the now upright kitchen table. Because he was probably in the tree house. He probably just needed time to cool down; space and solitude to process it all.

 

It couldn’t be the worst thing in the world, could it? Ben was starting at a new school. No one would know that he was repeating eighth grade again. No one would know that he was a year older.

 

Selfishly, Rey was secretly glad. Because now she wouldn’t be alone. Now she would have Ben to ride the school bus with, and Ben to see at lunch and Ben to pass by in the hallways. It would be at least one familiar face in the sea of strangers. At least one friend.

 

It was getting really late now, and once again Rey rose from her perch, moving towards the backdoor. It wasn’t odd for Ben to take off, and despite her best attempts to tag along, he didn’t always tell her where he was going.

 

Her fingers had wrapped around the doorknob, and she had begun to turn it when she heard Luke’s voice.

 

“It’s late Rey. You should get to bed.”

 

Luke never enforced bed time. Ben and Rey knew roughly when to get to bed. Because Luke would wake them up early, wrapping his knuckles against their bedroom doors and making a racket until it was impossible to sleep, even with the covers and pillow thrown over your head. If you were tired, that was your fault. I you were tired then you should of gone to bed earlier.

 

“It’s late.” Rey agreed, her hand still on the doorknob even though now she was looking at Luke. To be honest, she thought he had fallen asleep in front of the television set in the family room. He had been so quiet, had barely made a peep. “It’s late,” She started again. “We should go and find Ben.”

 

Luke shook his head. “He’s fine. He’ll come back when he’s ready.” His tone said differently. His tone said, ‘typical Ben’. Outbursts. Violence. Storming off. Anger. Hate. Let him cool down in his self made time out. Let him fester; let him come back with his tail between his legs and a sour look on his face.

 

Rey didn’t understand it. Because maybe Ben was waiting for someone to come after him. Maybe Ben just wanted to know that someone would come looking, that someone cared.

 

But then again what did she know? She had never had a family before. Luke was Ben’s Uncle. Luke was Ben’s flesh and blood. Luke would know best.

 

So Rey went to bed.

 

* * *

 

The last week of summer was what Rey had expected it to be and also not. She spent a lot of time outside. The weather was nice; the sun was out and it was deliciously hot. She liked to lay out on a towel in the backyard, a book in her hands and her skin slathered in sunscreen. Only once she got so hot that she couldn’t stand it, did Rey pull on her flip flops and make the trek down to the lake about a mile from the house.

 

It was a nice lake, the water clean and clear. Rey never went deeper than she stood. She couldn’t swim very well, but after being in the hot sun, the water was too tempting to ignore.

 

So she would cool off in the lake for a bit, and then take the scenic route through the woods, back to the house.

 

Ben spent the last week of summer vacation isolated in his room.

 

She didn’t know if he and Luke had spoken. She didn’t know if ultimatums had been dealt or punishments had been made. They were avoiding each other. Ben either stayed in his room, or Luke stayed in his study. Rey ate a lot of peanut butter and honey sandwiches by herself.

 

Part of her wondered if Ben was going to be sent away. Part of her wondered if Ben thought he was going to be sent away too.

 

But the last week of summer passed and soon the school year was ready to begin. Rey woke up early. She showered and took the extra time to blow dry her hair, before pulling it back into three buns along the back of her head. She had already picked out her outfit the night before; a navy blue tee shirt with red, orange and yellow stripes around the collar and hem of the sleeves, her favorite pair of jean shorts, and then the new pair of chunky sneakers that Luke had let her order from the Delia’s catalog.

 

Rey was prepared. Everything was ready. Her lunch was packed, her school supplies were organized, and she was early for once; running ahead of schedule.

 

Her stomach heaved and she felt like she was going to puke.

 

Somehow Rey ate a pop tart, washing the sugary sweet strawberry flavor down with a glass of orange juice. It wasn’t the best combination, especially after you had brushed your teeth. But breakfast was also the most important meal of the day.

 

She chased the orange juice-pop tart-toothpaste combo down with some water, wiping the left over residue away with the back of her hand. Her eyes were on the clock. She still had an hour before the bus would arrive. Maybe she should watch some cartoons; take her mind off of the big day.

 

Then she heard it; Ben trampling down the stairs.

 

His hair was slightly damp from his shower, and his black backpack was slung over one shoulder. He was dressed too, but whereas Rey had saved this exact outfit for a month, refusing to indulge and wear it prior to the first day of school, Ben had thrown on the same tee shirt and jeans that he had worn a million times all summer long.

 

“I’m walking. I’m not taking the fucking bus.”

 

Rey was surprised to see him even going to school. Quickly she was on her feet, scrambling to grab her own backpack and follow after Ben. If he wasn’t taking the bus, well then neither was she.

 

“Bye Luke!” Rey remembered to call back to her guardian, though she was already halfway out the front door.

 

Ben was moving fast, walking down the long, gravel driveway.

 

Rey ran to catch up.

 

“Why aren’t we taking the bus?”

 

Ben didn’t even look at her. He just kept going, the gravel crunching beneath his feet as he continued to move forward. He was acting as if Rey didn’t even exist.

 

Her eyes began to narrow.

 

“You’ve been moody and pouting all week.” She was trying to bait him. Trying to just get him to talk; to say something, even if it was a snappy remark.But no, he was ignoring her. He was just walking, his long legs working so fast that Rey had to practically run to keep up with him.

 

It was hot out. It still felt like summer even though August was coming to an end. Even in her shorts, Rey could feel the beads of perspiration beginning to build, like little droplets of dew all over her skin. Her face was red. She could feel the flush breaking out over her tan, freckled cheeks. Wisps of stray baby hairs were curling around her hairline, and Rey could feel one of her bun’s coming loose as she continued to race to try and keep up with Ben. At this rate, she was going to show up at school with her face the shade of a beat, her armpits smelling of BO and her hair a mess, falling apart before the first bell even rang.

 

Now Rey was just getting angry.

 

She was tired of walking on eggshells. She was tired of being the go between; of feeling like she had to keep the peace. This was the first that Rey had lived in which actually felt like a home. This was the first time Rey was beginning to feel as if she had a family. And sure, they weren’t quite at family game night status and maybe they would never be. And families fought and disagreed and arguments were had. Rey knew all of this and yet... and yet...

 

Rey didn’t even remember why she did it. To be honest, she didn’t even remember doing it. What she did remember was feeling frustrated and mad; _feeling_ too much. One minute she was standing along the side of the road, watching Ben’s retreating figure. The next there was a rock in her hand, and she was chucking it at him, _hard_.

 

It hit him square in the back of the head.

 

He swore, his pace coming to a halt and his hand flying up to the back of his head. Instantly he was turning on his heel to face Rey, his jaw tightly clenched and anger clear as day written across his face.

 

Rey turned and ran.

 

Her backpack was slowing her down, but she kept moving; kept pushing herself forward, her arms pumping at her sides. Suddenly she didn’t care about being red in the face or showing up at the school sweaty. Suddenly she didn’t care about scuff marks and dirt on her new shoes, or the fact that they pinched because she should of worn them more; should of broken them in.

 

All Rey knew was that if Ben caught her, she would be dead.

 

So she ran faster.

 

Rey wasn’t sure what direction she was going in, until she was there. The tree house. Her backpack dropped to the ground like a stone in water. She was racing up the ladder, her feet slipping on the rungs a couple of times due to her haste. Ben was right behind her. He was swearing and yelling and he was fast. But she was quicker.

 

Bursting through the door of the tree house, Rey turned and locked it behind her. When they were building the tree house, Ben had wanted the lock. Rey did not. She figured that Ben would just use it to lock her out. So far, he hadn’t. Rey wasn’t really finding the irony in the fat that she was the one to lock Ben out first.

 

“Rey!” Ben was pounding on the door. She could see him through the numerous windows; could see how red his face was and the way his hair was damp from sweat, sticking to his forehead. She could see how pissed he was. There was no other word for it. Ben looked as if he was seeing red.

 

Rey stuck her tongue out at him in retribution.

 

Ben swore again.

 

They were going to be late for school. They were _already_ late for school. The bus had probably already driven by, and there was no way that Rey could walk and still make it. Even if Ben wasn’t chasing her down.

 

She just sat in the tree house as Ben continued to pound on the door. She half expected him to kick it down; to go around to the side and just break the glass windows so that he could get in.

 

Eventually the noise stopped. But Ben still stood right outside. He was calmer now though. His ears were still red and he was still frowning but it was different. He didn’t look so tense.

 

Slowly Rey got up, her fingers moving to unlock the door. She then turned, moving to sit back down on the purple bean bag chair that was kept in the corner. Ben sat across from her, on the old beach chair.

 

“Why did you do that, Rey? That was a real shitty thing to do.”

 

“So was ignoring me for a week.” She countered back.

 

Now Ben was rolling his eyes. “You know that everything’s not about you, right?”

 

Rey felt her face flush again. She felt embarrassed. She felt selfish and like a brat. She felt like a _child_ and she wasn’t supposed to be a child anymore. She was almost thirteen. She was going to middle school. She was _supposed_ to be at middle school right now.

 

Something snapped. Rey didn’t know what it was; didn’t know if it was stress or because of all the change. She didn’t know if it was typical seventh grade hormones or the fact that she wasn’t where she was supposed to be and if Luke found out he would be mad.

 

But she started to cry.

 

They were fat, ugly tears just streaming down her face. Snot kept dripping from her nose, no matter how many times Rey kept wiping at it with the back of her hand. She was hiccuping, her whole body shaking with sobs as she just cried and cried and cried.

 

Now she felt more embarrassed.

 

Ben didn’t know what to do.

 

He was frozen, his eyes widened in shock and so he just sat there. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move.

 

And while Ben continued to sit, Rey continued to cry. She cried and cried and then cried some more. And it was only when the tears began to dry, leaving streaks down her blotchy cheeks, and the last of the snot was wiped away from her nose, that Rey took a deep shuddering breath before she tried to speak.

 

“Can we just skip the first day? I promise I won’t say anything to Luke. I promise I’ll cover for you and if we get caught I’ll take all the blame. I just- I’m not-“

 

“Ready.” He finished the sentence for her, giving a brief nod of his head.

 

Ben began to stand, leaving his backpack forgotten on the floor. Rey’s was still at the base of the tree house. She sniffled again, wiping her hand on the side of her shorts before she too rose and trailed after Ben.

 

They stashed Rey’s backpack with Ben’s inside of the tree house, out of sight of all the windows, and then began to walk through the woods. They took the long way to town, the one that took as twice as long to get downtown, but avoided the roads in case Luke was out, driving his beaten up, old pick up truck. At least they would hear him coming before he saw them. That truck made a noise unlike any other.

 

The pair walked to the gas station, their legs tired and their skin sweaty and sticky. The back of her new shirt kept clinging to her back, and Ben looked like he was regretting his choice of jeans, opposed to just displaying his pale legs and wearing shorts.

 

Ben bought Rey a slushy. It turned her tongue blue. Ben brought himself a red one. His tongue looked the same, just a bit more amplified.

 

They drank their slushies and walked around. They wandered through the dollar store and the grocery store. Most people didn’t pay them much attention. Most people forgot that school had started today. Most people didn’t realize that classes had resumed in such sweltering heat. It still felt like summer outside, something that played in their favor. And if they did notice the two; the tall, lanky teenager and the freckled preteen, well they didn’t say a single world. Everyone was going through the motions; getting their shit done and wrapped up in their own thoughts to notice the two kids skipping school.

 

Because who skipped the first day of school?

 

Ben and Rey spent the whole day together. They just walked around, skipping stones at the lake and hanging out in the tree house when the heat got to be too much. Ben snuck sandwiches out of the house once he was sure that Luke was still running errands. Mostly, Rey and Ben just talked. They talked about comic books and TV shows. They debated if Jurassic Park really could happen and recalled the time Rey had shot milk out through her nose when she had laughed so hard that time they rented Mrs. Doubtfire from Blockbuster.

 

They laughed. They got along.

 

Rey didn’t feel like the annoying tag along. Ben didn’t feel moody and insecure.

 

And when enough time had passed that they sneaked their way out and around to the front yard of the farm house, their backpacks slung over their shoulders. They walked through the front door, Rey calling out a cheerful hello.

 

Luke asked about their day. Rey answered, Ben hesitantly chiming in here and there. Luke asked if they had homework and they both said no. Luke told them they were going to have burgers for dinner.

 

And while Luke was outback trying to fire up the grill, Rey filled out their excuse cards and Ben forged Luke’s handwriting.

 

The next day, they both took the bus.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much again for all the comments, kudos and feedback! I really appreciate it, and I hope you enjoy the second chapter as much as the first.


	3. Fall 1994 - Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben turned fifteen right before Thanksgiving.
> 
> It put both himself and Rey in a mood.
> 
> Ben was mad because he was fifteen. He was fifteen and he was in eighth grade, taking classes that were repetitive and dull and he just didn’t get it. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just take some tests, prove that he knew the material and move back up to ninth grade. Tosche Middle School was a joke, anyways. It was in the middle of bum fuck no where with idiot, redneck teachers and he couldn’t wait to leave.
> 
> All he wanted to do was leave.
> 
> But he also didn’t want to leave behind Rey.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Rey celebrates Halloween, Ben and Rey fight about a bean bag chair, and Ben turns fifteen.

 

* * *

 

School was hard. It was weird to be in a traditional classroom setting. It was odd to be the new kid, especially in a town that didn’t get that many new kids. It made everyone elsebecome curious and in awe of Rey and Ben. Well Rey more so than Ben. Ben had a naturally mean expression. He could silence a question before it was even asked with a single look.  
  
Rey had to put effort into looking cranky.  
  
But school wasn’t all bad, even when she sometimes felt like an exhibit at the zoo. The first few weeks were rocky but eventually she fell into a rhythm; a routine. It made everything feel much more manageable.

 

Ben and Rey took the bus to school every day, and usually walked home afterwards. Ben joined the track team. It was one of Leia’s requirements; that he get involved, whether it was a sport or an academic club or ideally both. Ben opted for one; one thing, one sport and that was track. He did long distance running, something that seemed to come naturally to him, especially with his long legs. Ben likes to joke that he was practicing to run away from this place.  
  
Rey didn’t know why, but she had to force herself to laugh when he said it. It sort of stung; it hurt. Because she didn’t want Ben to run away or even joke around about it. Rey didn’t want Ben to run away from her. He could have at _least_ offered that they would run away together.  
  
Rey also joined the track team. It gave her something to do too. After all, she didn’t want to be the only one going home after school, just waiting around for Ben to show up. She did long jumps and pole vaulting. It was fun, the feeling of soaring through the air. And it certainly beat running. Rey did not understand how Ben could enjoy all that running.   
  
Slowly, she began to make friends. It wasn’t that hard, actually. In fact, Rey only really needed to make one friend. If she made one friend well, then it came with others.  
  
And that gateway friend was a boy named Finn. He was in three of Rey’s classes; science, history and math. They were seated beside each other in history, the very first class of the day. Finn dropped his pencil. It rolled underneath Rey’s desk. The rest you could say, was, well history.

 

It was Finn introduced who Rey to his other friends; Rose and Kaydel and Jessika and Tallie. She had two classes with Rose and one with Jess, while Tallie and Kay were on the track team too. They were all easy to talk to. They all were friendly and bubbly and nice.  
  
She was closest to Finn, though.  
  
He had been a new kid too, about two years ago. After being raised by his grandmother for most his life, her health had begun to decline. So it was decided that Finn should live with his aunts. Finn, like Rey didn’t remember his birth parents. But where as Rey knew nothing about hers, other than the name they had given her, Finn had relatives; had people who shared his genes and blood, who could to fill his head with stories of his parents who had both, at different times, served active duties in the navy.  
  
He had an image of who his parents were in his mind. He had pictures to look at and old home videos. Finn could at least try and put the pieces together.  
  
Rey didn’t even know what her last name was. She had just been assigned one from a random judge who must have been feeling creative, since instead of Smith or Jones, it was Niima that she had been christened with.  
  
Rey Niima.  
  
She long ago had accepted that she would never be able to find her name on those key chain license plates at gift stores. Not her first nor her last.  
  
Yet despite their different backstories, Rey felt connected to Finn. Because he was her best friend. One of her best friends. The other was Ben, whether the moody teenager liked it or not. He was stuck with Rey.  
  
Because let’s face it, Ben wasn’t exactly making friends.  
  
Ben ate by himself. Rey had eaten lunch with him on the first day, but soon enough she had been waved over by Finn, to a table filled with people laughing and chatting. It was a far cry from the isolated corner where Ben had been sitting sullenly, picking at his lunch.  
  
“Go,” He had said, jerking his head in the direction of Finn, who was practically standing on his seat, waving his hands frantically at Rey. Her new friend looked like he was abandoned on a dessert island, with Rey being his only hope at survival.  
  
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth, looking between the two tables, feeling torn in two. Because she wanted to become better friends with Finn and Rose and their whole gang. She didn’t want to always be on the outside looking in, wondering why she didn’t understand their inside jokes or curious as to why the stories they told seemed stale, only to discover that it was because they had already told them once, and were now just repeating them to be polite, for Rey’s sake.  
  
But Ben... she didn’t want Ben to be alone either.  
  
“Come join us,” Rey had pleaded, standing in front of him, the brown paper bag that housed her lunch, in hand. “They’re nice. You’ll like them.” She was lying through her teeth now. Because her new friends _were_ nice. But Ben was not. Because Ben didn’t like people. Ben didn’t just smile politely and act civil. Ben rolled his eyes and glared and made smart ass comments. Rey wasn’t sure if her new friends would even like Ben.  
  
Still, she had to at least try.  
  
Because for the last two months, Ben had been her only friend. Because Rey and Ben... they shared something special. They _were_ special, to one another. They dealt with Luke and the way he always hogged the TV, even when he had fallen asleep. They had built the tree house together; had skipped the first day of classes (something which Luke still didn’t know about) and Rey just _got_ Ben. She knew what would make him tick; knew how to push his buttons. And he knew what annoyed her as well. Sometimes they used this to their advantage and other times they just shielded one another. They had each other’s backs. Rey didn’t want to abandon Ben just because something shiny and new came along.  
  
“Go with your friends.” Ben repeated, though something about his expression softened. “Seriously, Rey. I’m fine.” He held up his Walkman, giving the portable device a small wave. “I’ve got my friends. I’ve got Green Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Soundgarden. I’m good.”  
  
Finn was now calling her name, his hands cupped around his mouth as he continued to flag her down.  
  
Rey glanced over her shoulder again before she turned back to Ben. Already she was slowly taking a couple steps back, as she felt herself being drawn towards her new friends. “I’ll eat with you tomorrow, I promise. And if you want, you can seriously join us at any time Ben. I mean it. Anytime.”  
  
He just brushed her off, and she swore she heard him mutter ‘yeah, yeah’ underneath his breath. But Rey didn’t dwell on it. She was already turning on her heel, making her way past other tables and other people, before she sat down, squished between Finn and Rose.  
  
“Is that your brother?” Tallie had asked a little while later, while Rey was in the middle of eating her ham sandwich. Instantly she snorted, giving a shake of her head. Her face felt warm but Rey didn’t know why.  
  
“Ben? No. We both just live with Luke. Luke’s his uncle and Luke’s just my...” What was Luke? Foster father seemed weird. Guardian seemed even stranger. “He’s taking care of me for now, I guess.”  
  
“Do you think he’ll adopt you?” Now Rose was the one asking question, brushing her bangs out of her soft brown eyes. Her face was sweet and curious.  
  
Rey could only shrug her shoulders. “I don’t know.” She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t _like_ to think about it. If she did, Rey then got her hopes up. And she knew better than that. Because what if Luke didn’t want to adopt her? What if that was too much of a commitment? But at the same time what if she got relocated? It happened all the time, sometimes for a sound reason and sometimes for a trivial stupid one.  
  
Rey didn’t want to leave Luke. Rey didn’t want to leave her new home and her new school and her new friends.  
  
Rey didn’t want to leave Ben.  
  
“I hope he adopts you.” Now it was Jess’s turn to talk, a mischievous grin on her face as she once again turned her head to look at Ben. “Then Ben can be your hot cousin and you can hook us up.”  
  
Rey felt her face flush, the cafeteria suddenly feeling warm. She felt different. She felt protective. Ben would be her cousin? No. That didn’t seem right. That wasn’t the relationship that they shared. It seemed like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. It just didn’t work.  
  
Her dislike and confusion must have been etched into her face because Jess was giving her an odd look, mumbling something about how she was just kidding. And then Finn’s arm was around her shoulder, a protective and carrying gesture. “Alright, Alright.” He was addressing the group. “Enough questions for the new girl. She can answer more tomorrow but she’s reached her quota for today.”  
  
Rey smiled warmly at him. Because Finn understood her. Finn had her back.

  
* * *  
  
Track practice had been canceled due to the rain. It was a steady downpour but nothing too heavy. There wasn’t any thunder or lightening; just a constant dribble of big, fat drops of rain.  
  
The weather had begun to cool. Summer had officially ended and fall was in full swing. Halloween would be here in a couple of weeks, and Tallie was throwing a costume party. Rey sat in her faded purple bean bag in the tree house, idly flipping through a magazine that had different costumes and ideas.  
  
Rey had no idea what she wanted to be.  
  
“Finn wants us to go as a group. Like we should all be the Power Rangers or something.” She explained, talking to Ben though Rey doubted he was listening. He never listened to her. He never seemed to care about what she said. “Rose thinks that’s sort of dumb, especially if it’s just our group at the party.”  
  
Ben grunted in response. He was throwing a hackey sack against the back wall of the tree house. _Thu_ _mp_ _. Thu_ _mp_ _. Thu_ _mp_. Rey thought the sound would annoy her but it was actually sort of comforting. It was nice; a steady rhythm much like the sound of the rain drops pattering against the metal roof above them.  
  
Her lips were pursed together in thought as she carried on. “Do you think I could pull off Catwoman? Maybe Finn could be Batman, or something. We could just do costumes together.” That seemed like a good compromise. Plus Rey was pretty sure she could throw together a Catwoman costume between her closet and the Salvation Army downtown. It would at least be way easier than trying to DIY a Power Ranger.

 

Besides it seemed like _everyone_ was doing Power Rangers this year.

 

“I’m sure you and your boyfriend would make a very cute Catwoman and Batman.” Ben had stopped throwing the hackey sack. His voice also had an edge to it; it was sarcastic and mean. She felt the corners of her mouth turn into a frown. She tried to sit up straighter, but the bean bag kept moving and shifting underneath her weight. After a couple tries, Rey just gave up and accepted her slumped position.

 

“Finn is _not_ my boyfriend.” They were friends. That was it. They had barely known each other for a month, and yes they spent a lot of time together during school and on the weekends. But because they were friends. _Best_ friends. Why couldn’t a guy and a girl just be friends? Why did everyone instantly have to jump on the romance bandwagon?

 

Ben didn’t even dignify her reply with words. He merely snorted, rolling his eyes as he resumed tossing the ball against the ceiling. He was throwing it harder this time. The soft thumps turned into heavy thuds. Rey did her best to return to her catalog, continuing to dog ear pages here and there, making mental notes of what she wanted to show Finn later.

 

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

 

Why did he have to be so pissed off all of the time? Rey peered over the top of her magazine, her eyebrows knitted together as she continued to watch Ben. He was leaning back in the beach chair, his head tilted up towards the ceiling. The chair was low to the ground, the woven plastic material already sagging under the weight of his body. It was an old chair, one that they had found in the garage and it hadn’t been probably used for years until they dug it out. But it was a place to sit. It was functional. Rey had her bean bag and Ben had his chair. They had their own designated spots in the tree house.

 

Except now Rey wanted nothing more than to flip Ben off of his stupid chair. Maybe then he could stop pouting.

 

“Did you tell your ‘just friend’ Finn about how I’m actually supposed to be in ninth grade?”

 

His question was abrupt and his tone was accusing. Rey looked up, clearly startled. Where was this coming from? “No,” She shifted in her seat, giving a shake of her head. “Why would you think that?” She hadn’t told anyone about how Ben had to repeat eighth grade. He hadn’t asked her too, she just knew. Because Rey wanted this to work for Ben too. She didn’t want him to get sent off to boot camp or military school or whatever Luke threatened him with when they argued. Not that Rey thought Luke would actually go with it. Because Ben and Luke were family. You can’t just give up on family.

 

Not like Ben’s parents gave up on him.

 

Ben let out a snort, and suddenly Rey felt a rush of anger. Why didn’t he believe her? Why didn’t he think she was telling the truth. And why was this conversation happening in the first place? Moving fast- faster than Rey had ever gotten out of the bean bag before, she was on her feet. She reached out, snatching the hackey sack from mid throw, and quickly tossed it aside, not looking or carrying where it ended.

 

“What the fuck, Rey?!” Ben was standing now too. He was taller than her, but not by much. If she stood on her tip toes they were almost eye to eye. But he kept growing; kept shooting up another inch over night, where as Rey felt she was slowing down. She was tall for her grade. She towered over her other friends, and probably even had an inch on Finn. Rey had a feeling though, that she would never be as tall as Ben.

 

But then again Rey was just as tall as Luke. And Luke would never be as tall as Ben either.

 

“You’re throwing another hissy fit.” Rey accused her arms folded tightly across her chest and her chin jutted out in defiance. “You’re acting all angry and pissed off for _no_ reason.”

 

Ben rolled his eyes too, and just moved to make a beeline for the entrance of the tree house. But Rey was faster. She blocked him, repeatedly stepping into his path over and over again as he kept trying to make an exit.

 

“ _Move,_ Rey.”

 

“No.” Now it was her turn to be the childish one. The one that wouldn’t just let him be. He had hurt her, so now Rey wanted to hurt Ben back.

 

“ _Move.”_ He was practically shouting the single word at her. Rey had a cocky smirk on her face as she continued to bounce back and forth, constantly side stepping him every step of the way. He was getting so mad. Rey could tell by the shade of red that his face was turning, and how he kept curling his hands into fists.

 

She needed to back off. She needed to let him pass by. Luke was always saying how Ben needed space. That Ben needed to be alone so that he could cool down and try to control his temper.

 

But Rey didn’t want to give him space. He was acting like a brat and someone needed to call him out. She wanted to put him back in his place. The rush of adrenaline she was getting form this was addicting. She felt energized; felt like she could handle anything.

 

Plus Rey thought maybe he would just drop it. Maybe he would realize how ridiculous he was being and he would just _back off._ Then they could go back to just hanging out. Because Rey missed spending time with Ben. Between school and track meets and getting invited to sleepover’s at Tallie’s or going to Finn’s house for dinner or meeting up with Rose and Kaydel at the mall… Rey had been busy. And she missed Ben. This was the first time since school started, that she felt like it could be just the two of them.

 

And now Ben was ruining it with his bad attitude.

 

“Rey, I swear to fucking god if you don’t move.” He was gritting and grinding his teeth together, but that just added fuel to Rey’s fire. She didn’t want to give in. She didn’t want him to get his way.

 

“You’ll do what?” She taunted him. Her feet were practically dancing, as they kept blocking Ben. He couldn’t even advance a single step. Rey was too quick and too much in his way.

 

“ _Move_!” He bellowed the word. There was no other way to describe it. She had heard Ben shout before. She had heard him yell and slam his door and curse. But never like this. It felt like whiplash, and to add insult to injury, Rey felt a sharp shove to her shoulder. She lost her footing and then she was falling. It felt as if her body was moving in slow motion but too fast; too out of control and there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it.

 

Rey landed on the bean bag.

 

Which would have been a good thing. It _should_ have been a good thing.

 

Except the bean bag was old. Rey and Ben had found it at a garage sale, and she knew it was on it’s last leg of life. She knew she had to be careful with it. Which was why she never let anyone else sit in it. Which is why she treated it with love and care.

 

It was one of the few belongings that Rey felt attached to.

 

And she knew the moment her bottom made contact with the fabric; knew the moment her body hit the bean bag and hit it hard, that this couldn’t be good.

 

Little Styrofoam beads exploded everywhere.

 

Rey began to cry.

 

“You’re such an _asshole!”_ She screamed at Ben. She wasn’t hurt. Just her pride and her feelings. Quickly she tried to scramble up, but there were those stupid beads everywhere, and the bean bag was now flat and it was just a mess. It was all such a mess.

 

Ben was right there too. He looked as shocked as Rey felt, and now he was offering a hand to help her up, along with apologies and promises. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to Rey but you just- you wouldn’t fucking _move._ I’ll get you a new one. I’ll fix it. Rey-”

 

A lump was in her throat and then it bubbled up and out of her mouth, turning into a sharp cry. Rey couldn’t remember the last time she had cried like this. Her emotions felt out of control; felt like they were churning inside of her like a stormy sea. Crying like this, in this over-reactive, childish way was bad. But the fact that it was in front of Ben just made the whole situation even worse.

 

She was on her feet instantly, turning and fleeing the scene of the crime. The little beads stuck to her skin; to her legs and her arms and her clothes and she just kept trying to brush them away. Tears were streaming down her face. Rey couldn’t stop. She kept wiping at her nose and at her cheeks, her hands feeling rough and angry against her soft skin. Because she didn’t want to be crying. Why was she crying when it was just making it worse? Why was she crying when she just wanted it to stop?

 

Rey didn’t say anything to Luke. She couldn’t even if she wanted to. There were no words right now, just tears and choked out sobs. She was acting like someone died. It was just a bean bag. It was a stupid bean bag that had been bought for a dollar. It didn’t mean anything and yet right now, it felt like the world was crumbling around her. It felt as if Rey had lost it all.

 

She took the steps two at a time. She threw open her bedroom door, and slammed it shut behind her, _hard._ Even in her twelve year old mind, the irony of how she was acting like Ben wasn’t lost on her. Because she had been making fun of Ben; had been mad at Ben for acting immature.

 

Yet the joke was on her now, wasn’t it?

 

Rey stayed in her room the rest of the night. She didn’t come out, even when Luke called her name for dinner. She didn’t even bother to go and get her backpack, even though Rey was supposed to read a chapter in her history book, and answer some math questions. She didn’t answer when someone knocked on her door (Luke) or when she heard uncertain feet shuffling back and forth, their shadows visible through the crack under her door (Ben.)

 

Eventually, still dressed in her jeans and top, with her tear streaked face and her throat feeling sore and raw, Rey fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

They didn’t talk about the bean bag again.

 

The next time Rey went into the tree house, the scene of the crime was entirely clean. There wasn’t a single piece of Styrofoam and the bean bag itself was long gone. Rey didn’t even want to think how long it took Ben to clean up that whole mess. But she also sort of hoped it took him a whole day and a whole night.

 

Still they don’t talk about it.

 

Rey continued to try and avoid Luke and Ben. Partly because she’s still mad. And partly because she feels embarrassed. Because she acted as if a person had died. She acted as if her dog had been run over by a car. It was a bean bag, and yet Rey felt as if she was in a slump because it was thrown into the trash somewhere.

 

Purposefully, Rey waited in her room, dressed for school but hiding under the covers until she heard Ben leave out the front door. She didn’t care if she missed the bus. Rey would rather walk to school than face Ben right now.

 

She managed to evade him for the rest of the day. It wasn’t exactly hard. The only time they saw each other was on the way too and from school, along with lunch. But Rey just sat with Finn and the gang. She was quiet around her friends, shrugging off any questions or looks of concern they had when Rey didn’t participate in the conversation.

 

Rey refused to even glance over to where Ben usually sat. She didn’t want to know if he was there or not.

 

It rained again, meaning track practice was once again canceled. Rose offered her ride home with her parents and her older sister Paige. Rey agreed just so she could continue to avoid Ben.

 

When she did finally get home, the house was quiet. Rey walked straight back into the kitchen, spotting a note from Luke on the fridge how he was at the grocery store, and to just heat up a frozen pizza for dinner.

 

Ben was no where to be heard or seen.

 

Rey felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She felt relieved. She couldn’t stay hiding out in the house forever. Eventually Luke would come looking for answers, or Ben would run into her on the way to the bathroom.

 

But right now, the house was empty. The house was hers.

 

Turning to put her backpack down on the kitchen table, Rey froze.

 

Because there was a blue raspberry slushy on the table. And a bag full of Krispy Kreme’s.

 

Ben had gone to the Seven Eleven.

 

Ben had gotten her favorite slushy and her favorite donuts.

 

And the slushy wasn’t even melted.

 

She didn’t _want_ to forgive him. She didn’t want to fold so easily. But her fingers still reached out, grasping the cold, perspiration covered plastic container as she took a big gulp. It was too sweet and too cold and it left her tongue blue. It was exactly what she needed, even when Rey didn’t know that this was the cure for it all.

 

Still she didn’t want to forgive him.

 

So, Rey took the slushy and bag of donuts up to her room. She flipped on her radio and then sat on her bed, flipping through a magazine that Tallie had let her borrow, munching on donuts and slurping down the slushy.

 

The next morning, Rey came down for breakfast right on time.

 

Rey also rode the bus with Ben.

 

At lunch she sat with him, instead of her friends.

 

Rey was still mad. She was still upset. She didn’t want to think he could just buy her forgiveness with nothing but gas station purchases.

 

Oh no, Ben was going to have to get her a new bean bag too.

 

* * *

 

Rey ended up being Dr. Ellie Sattler to Finn’s Dr. Alan Grant. They had spent the Saturday before Halloween bouncing around to different thrift shops, until she had found the perfect salmon colored button up and until Finn had found the right hat. Rose showed up dressed as Barney, and they had spent the whole party making different dinosaur jokes as they re-enacted parts of Jurassic Park. Somehow the movie didn’t seem as scary when it was a big purple dinosaur chasing you around instead of velociraptors.

 

They all ate too much candy, drank too much soda and Rey walked home with a belly ache, though she wasn’t sure if it was from the junk food or just laughing too hard.

 

It was nice to have friends.

 

She had tried to get Ben to come. She had told him he didn’t even need a costume. She had said how Rose’s older sister would be there along with some of her friends. Paige was in ninth grade. Which meant that Ben wouldn’t be the oldest one there. Ben wouldn’t be the only fourteen year old hanging out with all the seventh graders.

 

Still, he declined.

 

As she made her way down the driveway, Rey noticed the house looked dark and quiet. Luke’s pick up truck was gone. The porch light wasn’t even on for her. Part of Rey felt annoyed. They knew she was going to be home soon. Hell, Luke had been the one to remind her of curfew; of how she needed to be home by ten.

 

Now, here it was 10:05 and they weren’t even home.

 

Rey was pouting as she unlocked the front door with her key. The house was just as dark on the inside, as it looked from the outside. She kicked off her boots and flicked on lights as she made her way down the hallway and into the kitchen. Looking around there wasn’t any sort of note, not even one hastily written on the back of some scrap paper.

 

There wasn’t any sign of Luke or Ben at all.

 

Sighing, Rey yanked open the refrigerator's door. She grabbed a gallon of milk, taking a swig straight from the carton. It was by chance that she glanced out the back window. It was by chance that she swore she saw a glimmer of light coming through the trees.

 

The tree house.

 

Of course, Ben was probably in the tree house.

 

Putting the milk back into the fridge, she wiped any traces of a milk mustache from her upper lip with the back of her hand. Rey bent down to pull off her socks before she made her way outside. She walked around barefoot all summer long. By the end of June the stray twigs and rocks didn’t bother her feet. By the end of summer she had thick, tough callouses and she could walk down the hot driveway without as much of a wince.

 

Ben always wore his shoes. _Always._ He was such a city boy.

 

But summer had been over for a couple months, and Rey had resumed wearing shoes once school started. The ground still hurt, but not that bad. Rey still managed to make her way across the back yard and down along the path that led to the tree house.

 

Sure enough it was light up like the sky on the fourth of July.

 

Rey climbed the latter and pushed the door open. Ben barely gave her a glance as she made her way inside. He had his headphones on (though he at least pulled them down off of his ears) and he was reading a comic book.

“Whatcha doin?” Rey asked as she went to stand behind him. She leaned on Ben, hovered her head over his shoulder. Instantly he let out a groan, closing his comic book. He tried to scoot his chair forward; tried to move away from Rey.

 

She followed him anyways.

 

“I’m reading.” He finally said. He still sounded annoyed, but not mad. Rey knew that he was trying to be nice after their last fight. She knew that he still felt bad about pushing her and what had happened with the bean bag.

 

The bean bag that he finally had replaced last week. The new one was tie dye. It was bigger too. It was way better than her old one, not that Rey would ever admit that to Ben.

 

Still, she had no problem flopping down on it, giggling at the fact she had managed to ruin Ben’s quiet evening alone.

 

He set aside his Walkman and comic book with a sigh. He seemed to study Rey for a moment, raising an eyebrow as he took in her costume choice.

 

“Are you the doctor from Jurassic Park that shoves her hand in the big pile of shit?”

 

Rey’s grin widened. “Yeeeep.” She drew out the word as she nodded her head. Lots of poop jokes had been made tonight too. Some at her expense. Most of them not.

 

Ben looked… impressed? Amused? He was so hard to read most of the time. Rey knew when he was angry. It was always easy to tell when he was angry. The tips of his ears turned red and his jaw would tense.

 

Rey knew when he was upset too. When he was hurt. His face would give this little twitch and his eyes… Ben’s eyes always gave it away. But the other emotions? The ones not so drenched in negativity? Those were harder to pin point. Those were the ones that Rey was still working on.

 

“Who was everyone else?”

 

Immediately, she clapped her hands together in glee. Because Rey loved when Ben asked questions about her life; about school and her friends. She liked it when he showed interest. It made her feel as if he cared.

 

So at once she began ratting off the details; about how Finn refused to take off his hat all night, and about Rose’s Barney costume and how Tallie had been dressed as a hippy and how Kaydel and this kid named Bastian had come as the guys from Wayne’s World. She told him the name of every single candy she ate and how Tallie’s parents didn’t tell them even once to keep it down.

 

She told him how this was the first Halloween she remembered celebrating. How this was the first time she got a costume and got candy. She told him how most of the other foster families that Rey lived with either didn’t care about it or how they were devoutly religious who frowned upon the holiday even though it was meant for dressing up and having fun.

 

“I’ll take you trick or treating next year, if you want.” Ben offered as he idly scratched at the back of his neck. He was shifting in his seat and Rey couldn’t help but think that he somehow looked guilty. How could he be guilty? She had a great time. Ben hadn’t done anything wrong.

 

But Rey brushed it aside, because she was telling him how she would be thirteen next year and thirteen is _way_ too old to be trick or treating. Kay had told her so. Which is why Tallie had thrown the party.

 

“Maybe,” Rey had added on, a sly look on her face. “Maybe you could take us all to a haunted house. There’s supposed to be a really good one in Mos Eisley.” Finn had told her about it. They had spent a good twenty minutes of the party talking about how fun it would be to go to next year. Once they were in eighth grade. When they would be more mature because they would be only one year away from becoming high schoolers.

 

Ben scrunched up his face. “We’ll see kid. We’ll see.”

 

Rey grinned. Because maybe it wasn’t a yes, but it also wasn’t a no.

 

* * *

 

Ben turned fifteen right before Thanksgiving.

 

It put both himself and Rey in a mood.

 

Ben was mad because he was _fifteen._ He was fifteen and he was in eighth grade, taking classes that were repetitive and dull and he just didn’t get it. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just take some tests, prove that he knew the material and move back up to ninth grade. Tosche Middle School was a joke, anyways. It was in the middle of bum fuck no where with idiot, redneck teachers and he couldn’t wait to leave.

 

All he wanted to do was leave.

 

But he also didn’t want to leave behind Rey.

 

And while Ben was in a mood because he felt out of place, Rey was mad because Ben was now three years older than her. And he would be, until the spring when she turned thirteen. All Rey wanted to do was be thirteen.

 

Because fifteen and twelve sounded like a mature teenager and a snot nosed little kid.

 

Fifteen and thirteen? They were both teenagers then. They were practically on a level playing field. It just _sounded_ better in Rey’s mind.

 

And she was also in a sour mood because she didn’t know what to get Ben for his birthday. He wouldn’t give her any ideas. Luke wasn’t any help either.

 

“You have to think of something!” She complained to her foster father, trailing after him as he sorted through stacks of old books in his study. “What did you get him last year? Maybe that can give me some ideas.”

 

Luke grunted.

 

He wasn’t going to be any help.

 

So Rey walked to the Kmart in town. She wandered through the aisles, trying to figure out something, just anything to get Ben for his birthday.

 

An hour later, she left the store empty handed, a part from a snickers bar that was already half eaten. Shopping made her hungry.

 

“Just ask him what he wants,” Finn told her for the millionth time. They were talking on the phone, late Monday night. Rey had dragged the phone from Luke’s bedroom, the cord stretched as far as it could reach down the hall and under the door to her bedroom. She was leaning against the wall, twirling the blue, plastic spiraled cord around her finger, as she wedged the dull blue phone between her cheek and her shoulder. Ben’s birthday was this coming Saturday. And Rey still had nothing.

 

It was crunch time.

 

“I can’t do that.” Rey refused to ask Ben. Because Ben would give her a smart ass answer. Or wouldn’t even give her an answer. Or even worse, he would tell her what gift he wanted, but Rey wouldn’t be able to get it.

 

Besides, it wouldn’t be a surprised if she went up to him and asked.

 

“Just start throwing out ideas, _please_?” Rey begged, shifting the phone from one ear, to the other. She heard Finn groan on the other line.

 

“What about food? Take him out to eat. Or what about the arcade? You could take him to the arcade.” Slowly Rey began to nod her head. That was something. Ben was always hungry, and Ben also liked to play games. He currently had the high score on Mortal Kombat at the arcade downtown.

 

“I could do both.” Rey offered up, sitting a bit straighter as she continued to warm to the idea. “I could take him to the arcade and then buy him pizza.” Ben loved pizza. And there was a Pizza Hut in the same strip mall as the arcade. This could work.

 

“Okay.” Now she was grinning as she shifted excitedly in her seat. “I got it. Arcade and pizza. This is _perfect._ Thanks so much Finn, I seriously owe you.”

 

“It’s fine. You just better get me a really good birthday gift,” He teased, and Rey could practically hear the grin in his voice.

 

“Whatever. Hey, I need to go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

 

They exchanged their goodbyes and Rey dutifully hung up the phone, returned it to Luke’s room before she made her way back to her room. She turned off the lights and crawled into bed, a big smile on her face. It was crazy how excited you could become, once you had a plan.

 

* * *

 

Ben was late.

 

He knew he was running late. He didn’t mean to be running late. But then again he hadn’t meant to do a lot of things in his life.

 

But the thing Ben tried the hardest not to do, was not disappoint Rey.

 

She was making a big deal about his birthday. Why, Ben had no idea. Because his birthday was at an awkward time of the year. It was sometimes around Thanksgiving, sometimes before Thanksgiving, and rarely after Thanksgiving or perhaps the worst, actually on Thanksgiving. Where ever his birthday landed on the November calendar, meant that people were more concerned about what side dishes they were going to make to go with the turkey, or who was coming to dinner and who wasn’t.

 

His own family included.

 

All Ben ever wanted was just a day with his parents, doing something. It didn’t even have to be elaborate or expensive. He just wanted them both around. He just wanted it to be the three of them, no extra people around.

 

But for as long as Ben could remember, his dad was either traveling for business or for pleasure, or his mom was working and fuck, if it was an election year then Ben didn’t see her _at all._ It was even worse if his mom belonged to the political party that won. By the time Ben was seven, he was always hoping that his mom would lose elections. He would rip down posters with her face and slogan, and once, in the third grade, he even helped out to hand out the opposing candidate's fliers.

 

Because at least if his mom lost, she would be around after the ballots were counted and the votes were tallied.

 

Leia Organa-Solo rarely lost.

 

So Ben got used to either spending his birthday alone, or with so many family members and close friends that he became lost in the crowd.

 

But he couldn’t complain. Because at least his parents acknowledged his birth every year. There was always a card and some cake with candles to blow out. There were always some gifts (wrapped by whatever interns his mom had, or whatever gift bag his dad had found in the airport gift shop) and there were always the phone calls.

 

No matter where his dad was in the world or what campaign trail his mother was blazing on, they always made sure to call and wish Ben a happy birthday.

 

So Ben didn’t know why he thought this year would be different.

 

He thought that maybe, since he hadn’t seen either of his parents in seven straight months (surprisingly that was a record) and that he since he was doing well in school and staying out of trouble, that maybe, just maybe his parents would make the trip out. Ben thought maybe they would come see Luke (because he didn’t know the last time that his uncle had made the visit back east to Hanna City) and that they would want to meet Rey.

 

Ben really wanted them to meet Rey.

 

But after speaking to his mom, actually talking to her and pleading with her instead of just making nonverbal grunts and noncommittal noises into the phone, she just kept apologizing.

 

Her voice always sounded smokey; sounded husky but soft. Like a warm drink with a bit of a kick. Subtle but strong.

 

“Honey, I would love to come. I really would. But work is kicking my ass right now. You know how it can be. You know the moment your dad and I can look at our schedules and figure out a long weekend to come visit, we’ll be there. We’re so proud of you Ben. You’re doing really great. You’re making good strides. We love you.”

 

It was amazing how good she was at it. At disappointing him time and time again but covering it up with enough words of praise and love, that Ben found himself softening. He could feel the anger ebbing away. He could feel his body begin to relax, as his mom told him time and time again that she was sorry and that she loved him. That she didn’t want to, but she had to. But it was okay because she was proud of him. It was a mantra; one that had been repeated enough times that it always sounded true. That it always sounded like just the right thing for her to say and even more so, the right thing for Ben to hear.

 

Except then the conversation would end. Then Ben would hang up the phone and that anger would return.

 

Except it was accompanied by something else.

 

Emptiness. Hollow, cold, lonely emptiness.

 

So no, Ben really shouldn’t of been surprised that his parents weren’t coming to visit their only child for his fifteenth birthday.

 

And Ben should have just brushed it off. Ben should have forgotten about it. Because there were other positive things going on his life. He was doing well in school (despite the fact that he was repeating the eighth grade and could probably pass all his classes in his sleep) and he was sort of making friends. There was a kid name Mitaka who was in his English class and he was alright.

 

And living with Luke wasn’t _that_ bad even though his uncle lived in the middle of bum fuck no where. Even though you had to drive twenty minutes just to get into town. Even though it got hot as hell during the summer and the movie theater always showed the films at least a week after they were released.

 

Still, it wasn’t all bad.

 

There was Rey.

 

Rey who was loud in the mornings. Rey who trailed after him, wherever he would go. Rey who always had question after question, and who snorted too loud when she laughed and she always laughed too loud when she watched cartoons.

 

Rey who always seemed to spill something down her shirt, no matter how many times Luke and Ben teased that they were going to buy her a bib.

 

Rey who was just _always_ there, a grin on her face.

 

Rey who had something up her sleeve, in regards to his birthday. Something that Luke knew nothing about and Rey wouldn’t even give him a hint. The only details she gave away, was that he was to meet her on the front porch at five o’clock on Friday. The day before his actual birthday.

 

Because she had something planned for his real birthday too but that included Luke who had to work on Friday so they were going to do something, just the two of them.

 

At five o’clock. On Friday.

 

Except now it was after ten o’clock. And Ben wasn’t even home yet.

 

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit._

 

Ben had every intention to go straight home after school. He had had to stay late; had to make up some test that he missed due to over sleeping last Tuesday. Rey had taken the bus home. She offered to wait around but Ben didn’t know how long it was going to take and it was fine. He could walk home by himself. And once again, Ben promised to meet her on the front porch at five o’clock. The idea of being late didn’t even cross his mind.

 

The test had taken less time than Ben thought, and he felt good about it. History wasn’t his favorite class, but he didn’t mind it. He had been standing at his locker, putting away his binder when a group of kids in his grade went by.

 

Some of them, Ben knew by name, other’s he just recognized their faces.

 

“Yo Solo!”

 

It was a kid from his math class. Husk or Hask? Hask. Gideon Hask. That was his name. He was accompanied by a girl, who had dark hair pulled back into a low pony, dark eyes and a serious expression on her face. There was also another boy with them; he had floppy hair and bright blue eyes, along with a laid back, easy going manner. Ben had gym class with him, he thought. But he was blanking on a name.

 

Ben was always shit with names.

 

Nonetheless, his mother had at least taught him how to not be rude. So Ben offered a small nod in greeting, turning to shut his locker door with a soft slam. “Hey Hask. What’s up?”

 

Hask was a little conceited. His dad owned a couple car washes in the county, which gave him an entitled, elite attitude. But he wasn’t the worst of the worst. Ben had been raised among kids whose parents ran the country; were CEO’s of fortune five hundred companies and were life saving neurosurgeons. He could handle the prince of the EZ Clean Car Wash empire in Tatooine county.

 

“You going to Seyn’s party tonight? Pretty much everyone’s going to be there.”

 

Ben had heard about the party. The girl hosting it, Seyn was in his science class. She was petite, her dark hair cut short in a pixie. And fuck, the girl was smart. She was fluent in French, and rumor had it she had a photographic memory. Though Ben knew to take rumors with a grain of salt. After all, it didn’t take much for a story to start spiraling out of control. His mind hurt just thinking about the tales that were told after his expulsion and abrupt departure from Hanna City Prep.

 

“Nah, I need to get home,” Ben began to say, before the guy with the floppy hair spoke up.

 

“You should come! Seyn’s parties always have the best food. Just stop by for an hour.”

 

The guy was friendly, even as he stood there, fidgeting slightly in his stance. Ben looked from him to the girl. She had a neutral expression on her face, but her features were hard, her gaze serious. She looked older than an eighth grader. She looked as if she didn’t put up with any sort of shit.

 

Ben could relate to that.

 

He opened his mouth, set on declining again before it was the girl that interrupted him. She had moved to keep walking.

 

“He said no. We should head over there now before too many seventh graders get wind of it.”

 

Her tone was curt, but there was something else there… a challenge perhaps? As if she was silently daring Ben to go; as if she was trying to call out his bluff. Instantly Ben felt his ears flush. Because he wasn’t declining because he was a fucking wuss or something. He didn’t say no so that he could go home to do nothing but stare at a wall while twiddling his thumbs.

 

The group had begun to walk away, the blue eyed boy giving a small shrug of his shoulders, while Hask seemed to be watching Ben, gauging for any type of reaction.

 

“Where’s the party at again?” The words were out of his mouth before his brain caught up. Ben’s feet seemed to have a mind of their own as well, as he took a few steps towards the trio. “She lives in the neighborhood back behind the mall, right?”

 

“Yeah.” Hask had turned back towards Ben, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards though it wasn’t quite a smile that was spreading across his lips. A sneer? A smirk? Ben tried to ignore it. “Yeah we’re heading there now, if you want a ride. Del’s brother is picking us up out front.”

 

Del. Del Meeko. That was the kid from his gym class. Right.

 

His eyes darted to the watch on his wrist. It was still early. It was barely four, and he could just go and hang out for like half an hour and then still make it home in time to see Rey. He’d have to try and get a ride, or bust his ass running home but it would be fine. Besides she could deal if he was a few minutes late. After all, Rey was always the one always up his ass about making friends.

 

Ben tried to look nonchalant as he gave a small shrug. “Alright. I guess I can go for a little bit.”

 

The girl snorted, and instantly Ben narrowed his eyes at her. “Thanks for gracing us with your presence.” She muttered, before she was turning again to go down the hall, her pace quick and her steps even like she was a trained soldier. Hask was right on her heel.

 

Ben followed after them, still feeling a bit unsure but the commitment had already been made. He wasn’t going to back out of it now.

 

“Ignore Iden.” Del had hung back, opting to walk beside Ben instead of up ahead with his friends. “She can come off as a total bitch but really she’s not that bad once you get to know her. Her dad’s in the military. Feelings and talking aren’t strong in the Versio genes.”

 

A nod was all he gave in response. Because what did you say to that, especially to someone you barely knew?

 

* * *

The party was in full swing by the time that Del’s brother pulled up in front of the house. They all scrambled out of the wood paneled station wagon, which was driving away from the curb the moment the doors were all shut, before they could even offer up any goodbyes or thanks.

 

“He’s got a date.” Del explained with a roll of his eyes.

 

Already Iden was making a beeline for the front door, the gaggle of boys right behind her. It seemed to Ben, that Hask and Del were always a step behind; always trying to keep up.

 

Seyn’s house was nice. It was a split level located in a cul-de-sac that was full of identically nice but forgettable houses, all of which had probably been built in the eighties. Nice was about the only way to describe it. Nice, and full of drunk teenagers at 4:15 in the afternoon.

 

“Seyn’s parents travel a lot.” Hask called over his shoulder. Iden was already opening the front door, and the sound of music and chatter flittered out into the front yard.

 

It was the week before Thanksgiving break, and everyone at school had been on edge. Everyone was ready for the break; the few days off before they all began last stretch of school before the long Christmas vacation.

 

Apparently, middle schoolers had to blow off a lot of steam.

 

There was a boom box blasting music in the corner of the living room, and the kitchen counters were lined with different bottles and plastic cups. A bag of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa were on the kitchen table, along with what looked like a cookie sheet full of Elio’s pizzas, along with various other snacks and sodas.

 

At least they weren’t all drinking on an empty stomach.

 

Somehow, silver and red can of beer was placed in Ben’s hand not long after he arrived. He ended up taking sips of it, ignoring the terrible taste of the Bud Light. People kept coming and going. Some Ben recognized from his grade, other’s from Rey’s, but most were strangers. Which was fine with Ben. Because he was drinking this beer and then getting out of here.

 

Five o’clock. He had to meet Rey at five o’clock.

 

But one beer turned into two. And then Seyn corned him next to the television set, asking him questions with her too sweet grin and equally syrup-y tone. Thankfully it wasn’t too long until Del was saving him, with an offering of another beer and an excuse that Hask was looking for him in the kitchen.

 

Ben had never been so grateful in his life.

 

And then in the kitchen they had started up a round of beer pong, and kids were smoking joints and cigarettes off the back deck. How the cops weren’t being called, Ben had no fucking clue. But the second beer went down easier than the first, and he felt himself beginning to relax, and he found the third beer turned out to taste the best of them all.

 

Ben was so relaxed that he joined in on a round of beer pong.

 

Which led him to feeling even more loose; to feeling more free.

 

Which led him to sharing a joint with Del and Hask out on the deck.

 

Which led Ben to feeling even _better_ ; calm and mellow but excited and a little bit on edge. Like how you felt as a kid the night before Christmas.

 

Which somehow led Ben to making out with Iden Versio of all people out in the yard, hiding behind the swing set.

 

Which somehow led to her palming his crotch and Ben’s hands on her ass, their tongues moving sloppily and messily, as they tested the waters with vigor. Because Ben had never really kissed anyone like this before. Ben had never let a girl touch him; Ben had never felt another girl. Not like this.

 

Which somehow led Ben to looking at the watch and seeing it was after nine and _shit, shit, shit, shit._

 

Which now led to Ben, still feeling drunk and smelling like stale weed, making his way down the gravel driveway towards home.

 

The porch light was off, but the front door was unlocked, thank fuck. Because Ben wasn’t sure if he could find his keys right now, let alone get them into the proper hole. He tried to be quiet as he pushed open the front door, but he stumbled, knocking into the side table that was in the foyer, always piled high with junk mail and car keys.

 

“Ben?”

 

_Shit, shit, shit, shit._

 

“Ben is that you?”

 

Luke was still up. Which granted wasn’t a surprise because it wasn’t exactly late. And it was Friday night. But Ben didn’t want to talk to Luke. No, he needed to see Rey. He needed to explain. He needed to let her know that it was fine, that they could just celebrate his birthday tomorrow. That he was sorry and it would be fine.

 

Ben kept moving towards the stairs. Or at least he thought he was headed towards the stairs. A loud ‘thud’ followed by a string of curse words ( _shit, shit, shit, shit_ ) told him otherwise. He jammed his toe into the base of the old grandfather clock and _fuck_ that hurt.

 

And then there was nothing but bright light.

 

Because Luke was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his good hand hovering over the light switch. Instantly Ben had covered his eyes, his body hunched over as his muddled mind tried to process it all.

 

He was pretty sure he heard Luke sigh. He was pretty sure he saw his uncle give a shake of his head. But the light was still _so fucking_ bright and Ben was having a hard time with almost all five of his senses right now.

 

“Go to bed, Benjamin.”

 

He couldn’t remember the last time Uncle Luke had used his first name. Hell, Ben couldn’t remember the last time his own parents had called him anything other than Ben, or sweetheart, or kiddo, or champ.

 

“But I need to talk to Rey- I need to explain-”

 

“She’s asleep. Talk to her tomorrow.”

 

His head turned, looking between the staircase that he had been trying to climb, and his uncle still standing in the hallway that led from the family room into the kitchen.

 

“But-”

 

“Ben, let her sleep. You’ve done enough for tonight. _Talk to her tomorrow_.”

 

Maybe it was because he was drunk. Maybe it was because he still had the skunky taste of weed in the back of his throat. Maybe it was because he knew he smelled like beer and smoke and he was pretty sure Iden had left a hickey on his neck.

 

Maybe it was because Luke wasn’t budging and for once in his life, Ben felt too fucking tired to argue.

 

Whatever the reason, Ben just nodded. His hand found the beginning of the banister, which he gripped tight and used as a guide to get upstairs.

 

Had he been more sober, maybe he would of noticed the small freckled face peering out of the crack in her bedroom door. Maybe Ben would of heard Rey’s door shut when he walked by. Maybe he would of stopped; would of knocked and tried to talk to her. Maybe he would have at least said that he was sorry.

 

But Ben was too drunk to notice anything, other than how to take one foot and put it in front of the other. He barely got his shoes off; barely stripped out of his jeans and tee shirt before he collapsed onto his bed. Ben didn’t bother with trying to get under the covers. The moment his head hit the pillow, the room began to spin. So Ben closed his eyes, and soon enough he was passed out.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell you guys enough how much every comment and piece of feed back on this fic has meant to me! I seriously appreciate it, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much as the first two. This chapter took longer to write thanks to real life and work obligations getting in the way, but once I actually had time to sit down and write it, it came out easily. Middle school Ben and Rey have been a blast to write.
> 
> Please, again let me know what you think in the comments below, and any/all kudos are greatly appreciated!


	4. Winter 1994-1995 - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time Christmas rolled around, Rey was finally speaking to him again.
> 
> It wasn’t easy. If Ben thought the bean bag incident had been ugly, that was nothing compared to the wraith that awaited him the next morning.
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
> Han and Leia arrive to spend Christmas with the Skywalker-Solo clan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL IT'S BEEN A HOT MINUTE.
> 
> I didn't predict it would take me almost four months to write this chapter. However writing Christmas/winter scenes in spring/summer proved to be more difficult than I thought.
> 
> This chapter was originally over 10000k and thanks to the advice of my lovely beta [dangertaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dangertaylor/pseuds/meeda), I split it into two. The good news though, is that I have chapter five already written/edited and ready to post, so expect that in a couple of days!

By the time Christmas rolled around, Rey was finally speaking to him again.

 

It wasn’t easy. If Ben thought the bean bag incident had been ugly, that was nothing compared to the wraith that awaited him the next morning.

 

Luke let him sleep in past noon, which was a sign right then and there that at the bare minimum, a lecture awaited him. At most he would be grounded.

 

Ben groaned the moment he opened his eyes, never wanting to open them again. His stomach gave a lurch, and his head was pounding. His mouth felt dry and his tongue was fuzzy. Sitting up helped his stomach but made his head worse. He scrambled to the bathroom, dry heaved into the toilet, and then gulped down water straight from the bathroom sink.

 

After a shower, he at least felt human again. He threw on an old polo shirt, hoping it was high enough to cover the purplish bruise that had begun to form on his neck, hen he went downstairs to face the music.

 

He expected Rey to be watching cartoons, maybe reading a book on the couch, or doing her homework at the kitchen table.

 

But when he made it to the kitchen, only his uncle occupied the table. Rey was nowhere to be seen.

 

His uncle didn’t say a word and Ben silently sat down across from him. As he messed with the shirt’s collar, Ben didn’t even think about the fact that he was just drawing more attention to the area that he was trying so hard to hide.

 

Without a sound, Luke slid a glass of water towards Ben, which he quickly accepted. He downed it all, making loud gulping noises and feeling the droplets of water dribble down his chin. Only after the cup was emptied and Ben wiped away any of the wet residue from his chin, did he bothered to look over at his uncle.

 

“ I know I fucked up.”

 

Luke let out a dry laugh as he leaned back in his chair, both arms folded over his chest, and he just kept shaking his head. “ You don’t even get it, do you?”

 

“ I do!” Ben’s voice began to rise. He could feel his pulse quicken because, he did get it. He knew he had let Rey down and that he screwed up—again. But it was an honest mistake. It hadn’t been intentional or maliciously planned.

 

“ No, Ben, you don’t!” Now it was Luke’s turn to do the yelling. He remained seated, his expression blank, the picture of  calm, cool, and collected on the outside. Ben knew that his uncle was pissed and practically boiling on the inside but Luke hid it well. .  If there was one thing that Skywalker’s were good at, it was hiding their feelings.

 

“ I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.” Ben  turned his head to the side, as he slouched in the chair. For good measure, Ben folded his arms across his chest too, subconsciously mirroring his uncle’s position. “I  _ should _ be talking to Rey. This is just between us  .”

 

_ Slam _ .

 

Luke was on his feet now, both hands (real and prosthetic) on the edge of the kitchen table there was a fire lit in his eyes. Ben could practically feel the heat  that was burning in his gaze.

 

“ That’s where you’re wrong, because this does concern me. Because I was the one who came home to her crying on the front porch and I’m the one who reassured her that you were probably just running late and would be here any minute. And I’m the one who had to explain that sometimes things come up, but that doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly never coming home.”

 

Ben couldn’t look at Luke anymore. He was shaking. Because it wasn’t fair. This wasn’t how today was supposed to go. It was his birthday, and he just wanted to talk to Rey.

 

“ You don’t get it, do you?” Luke was still on his tangent. He was up on his damn high  horse, talking down to Ben in the way that the old man always seemed to enjoy. His uncle got off on this shit; on having that holier than thou attitude, complete with a sense of entitlement. Because if there was one thing Luke Skywalker loved in the world, it was being right.

 

Even when he was entirely fucking wrong.

 

_ Just tune him out. Just ignore him--just breath in, and breath out. Just focus on your breathing. Imagine the ocean waves as you breathe. The tide rolls in, and then it rolls out. Steady. _

 

Except Ben didn’t feel like a steady wave. He felt like a dark churning sea. He felt rocky and jagged; unpredictable.

 

_ Calm, just stay calm. Breath in. Breath out. In. Out. In. Out. _

 

“ She’s just a kid, Ben. She’s twelve years old, and  been through more hell than you and I combined.” Luke sighed and rubbed at his temples, “Rey got dealt a shitty hand, and now when she feels like she has a family she can rely on, you just what? Don’t show up. And it was for your birthday! It was—”

 

Ben didn’t get to hear the rest of what Luke said,because he was out the back door, slamming the sliding glass shut behind him and successfully tuning his uncle out.

 

Luke didn’t follow.

 

Not like the last week of summer.

 

It was cold out, and Ben was barefoot, with  nothing but sweatpants and that stupid fucking polo shirt on, but he didn’t care. As if he was on autopilot, he ran to the treehouse. The leaves had already changed colors and began to fall. There was nothing but  rocks and twigs hidden underneath the blanket of red, orange, and yellow leaves.

 

Ben ignored it, even as the sharp sticks and course edges of the stones dug into the soft soles of his feet.

 

He never went barefoot, even in the summer. But right now, stepping on acorns and sharp rocks beat sitting at the kitchen table with his uncle.

 

Rey was  in the treehouse. Of course, she was in the treehouse. Ben didn’t know where he thought she would be or why he  thought she would be anywhere else.

 

“ Hey, kid.”

 

He just stood in the doorway, feeling unwelcome and uncertain. His head was still pounding, and his throat felt scratchy and raw. Ben felt like he had been hit by a truck, and all he wanted was his bed.

 

Rey was curled up in her bean bag. Her new bean bag. The tie-dye one that Ben  got her right before Halloween. She was looking through a magazine and clearly ignoring him.

 

Ben hesitated, raising a hand to scratch at the back of his head before he ducked right inside the doorway to the treehouse, but  didn’t venture in any further.

 

Part of him wanted to turn on his heel and  head back to the house. Part of him was still annoyed; frustrated with her. Because he was fifteen and she was still twelve, and he was supposed to go to parties with his friends. He was supposed to have too much to drink and make out with a girl in someone’s downstairs rec room. This was what was expected of a kid at fifteen. Not celebrating  a birthday with his… what? Adopted sister? Foster cousin?

 

But then again, Rey also wasn’t just any twelve years old.

 

Ben was hardly  born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His mother worked hard. His father too, when he wasn’t lost in a bottle of Corellian whiskey or suckered into a get rich quick scheme. But still, his parents both fought for what they had. And they made sacrifices. Ben knew that life wasn’t easy, but he also knew that he had privilege. How could he not when there was a trust fund in his name, a nanny to help care for him and a maid to clean their Upper West Side brownstone?

 

He  knew all of this.

 

He had it pretty easy. He had access to a good education. He got expensive gifts on his birthdays and for Hanukkah. He needed for nothing and wanted for even less. Ben had it good. He knew this. He knew that people were just nice to him because of his parents or his appearance or his neighborhood .

 

But Rey didn’t give a shit about any of that.

 

She called him out; wasn’t afraid to make fun of him for his big ears or his cocky attitude. Rey knew him. Really knew him, and maybe was the only one who did.

 

So Ben put in the work, probably for the first time in his life. Because he had realized (bean bags aside) that Rey’s forgiveness couldn’t be bought. He wasn’t going to smooth this over with an extra-large slushy or a trip to the mall.

 

He  hurt her, let her down, and it was going to take time and effort, and yes, a lot of fucking effort   to make things right.

 

And that’s what Ben did.

 

It took weeks ofBen walking with her everyday to and from school, whether she waited for him or not. It took Ben apologizing time and time again,  doing her chores, and yes, okay maybe showing up with her favorite blue raspberry slushy from time to time..

 

Just when Ben thought it was a hopeless cause, he would say something, make a smart ass remark at Luke or a comment about whatever show was on TV, and she would snort. She would smirk and  let out a short little laugh, and it would make Ben feel warm and bright, full of hope. It would make him feel that this was progress. Perhaps he was putting cracks in her armor.

 

Then one day, it all just clicked.

 

One day she talked to him, teased him about his too big ears and his crooked teeth, and then she was jabbing him with her elbow and Ben knew...

 

He knew that he was forgiven.

 

He knew that they were moving on.

 

* * *

 

Christmas in Tatooine was so different than any other Christmas she  ever experienced in her life.

 

For one, it was cold, . Luke said that each year, forecaster would start rumors of possible  snow flurries, but in reality, there would be a steady drizzle at the most. But Rey didn’t care,because this was her first real Christmas and there would be gifts and a big meal and a break off of school, and it was going to feel real even if it was closer to resembling ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ instead of ‘Home Alone’.

 

Rey became obsessed. She dressed in festive colors for school, cranked up the volume when ‘Last Christmas’ came on the radio. Ben even caught her with a copy of Mariah Carrey’s new holiday CD, something that he refused to let her live down for days even as she insisted again and again that she borrowed it from Finn.

 

One weekend Finn’s aunt gave Rey, Finn, and Rose a ride to the mall. They spent the whole day shopping, taking in the sights of the store windows decorated for the holidays, the mannequins dressed up in the trendiest winter fashion, and they even got a picture with Santa.

 

Rey asked Santa for a walkman and a new pair of sneakers, trying to ignore the way his white beard was clearly fake and the distinct odor of cigarettes clinging to his red velvet suit.

 

They walked until her feet ached, and all of their arms were laden with packages. Rey  saved her allowance for months, and nearly every name had been crossed off from her shopping list. She even managed to buy  Rose and Finn’s gifts, as her two best friends becoming easily distracted by the different scents in Bath and Body Works.

 

Now the trio was seated in the food court with their bags piled up on the empty chairs and sticky tabletop. Rey was marveling in the strange sensation of eating Dippin Dots, while Rose and Finn took turns taking advantage of the poor kid handing out free samples in front of Panda Express.

 

Not a single store was  left untouched. Rey had just enough money left over for Ben’s gift. 

 

What she was going to get Ben remained a mystery.

 

He had CDs. He wouldn’t want clothes or body wash or a candle that smelled like cucumber melon or juniper breeze. Rey didn’t have enough money to get him something really cool, like one of the new models of Gameboy, or a nice stereo. 

 

Then it hit her. The idea caused a smile to spread across her face and a warm feeling to spread from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

 

“Watch my stuff!” Rey shouted to Rose and Finn, already fighting her way through the sea of plastic bags, clutching her bag. Her ice cream from the future was abandoned as Rey began to race towards the escalator, ignoring Finn’s reminder that his aunts were going to be picking them up in ten minutes.

 

She knew exactly what to get Ben.

 

She knew what the perfect gift would be.

  
  


* * *

 

The entire week leading up to their arrival, Ben had been a mess. He had been fidgety; on edge. Rey tried to tease him, attempting  to distract him with invites to watch cartoons on TV or to even walk around the mall. Nothing worked. He snapped at every little thing, kept storming off to his room  over every little comment or suggestion.

 

Luke was cranky too. More so, because he was feeding off of Ben’s foul mood. Most evenings, Rey usually ended up at the dinner table by herself, the two men in her life too stroppy to even make it through a meal.

 

If this was how the week leading up to Christmas, she could only imagine what a disaster the actual holiday would be.

 

Rey wasn’t sure if the arrival of Ben’s parents was  going to make things better or simply add fuel to the fire.

 

Either way, they were coming.

 

The house was the cleanest it has ever been. They had all worked hard;  scrubbed the kitchen spotless, sorted through the piles of clutter that built up; the junk mail that never got thrown away along with  the school papers that towered high on the kitchen counter since the semester began.

 

It was decorated too. It was still a far cry from the pages of a JC Penney catalog but the house  was festive nonetheless. Lights were strung up on the front porch, and they even put up a Christmas tree; Rey’s first. She begged Luke to let her  decorate it with old dusty ornaments she found in the attic.

 

“They were my mother’s,” Luke explained, the words muttered quietly under his breath as he gingerly lifted another colorful glass ball. “She would put them up every year,” He continued wistfully. ”Belonged to the family for generations, passed down from her great grandmother.”

 

Rey’s gaze dropped to the bell-shaped bulb , suddenly feeling as if she was holding history in her hands. And in a way she was. She could feel it; the generations and the legacy all weighing upon the  fragile ornament that had been hidden away in the attic for all this time.

 

She wondered why Luke hadn’t bothered with them; hadn’t put up a tree or brought down the boxes from the attic. Maybe it hurt too much, seeing something so beautiful that  once belonged to someone that was now gone.

 

Feeling eyes upon her, Rey tore her gaze from the ornament to look across the room. Ben was standing there having come down from his room and was just watching the scene play out before him. His expression was hard to read; his features set into some sort of cool neutrality. 

 

Suddenly Rey felt like she was imposing; that she was doing something she shouldn’t be.

 

Ben should be helping Luke decorate the tree. Ben should be hanging up the ornaments that belonged to his grandmother. This was his legacy, not hers.

 

She opened her mouth; had the words, the apology on the tip of her tongue. Except the moment she went to speak, Ben was talking instead.

 

“Do you still have the star? The one that was Great Grandma Shmi’s?” He was asking Luke, slowly moving into the room, his broad shoulders slightly hunched and his hands shoved deep into the pocket of his jeans. He looked awkward; looked uncomfortable, on edge.

 

_ You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be part of this _ , her mind said.

 

But Rey was frozen, was left just standing there, her fingers still holding onto that color glass bell, feeling like she had been caught in the act; was stuck at the scene of the crime.

 

“It should be in the bottom,” Luke motioned towards the last box; the one they hadn’t dug through yet, weeding what ornaments had survived their prolonged stay in the attic, with only cardboard walls and crumpled up newspaper for protection.

 

Silently, Rey watched as Ben began to sort through the box, pulling  out each delicate piece, wrapped in old tissue paper, before putting them aside. And then he found it. He pulled out a large embellished star; the topper for the tree, the final piece of the puzzle. 

 

She continued to look at Ben, her eyes transfixed as he stared at that star for such a long time. And then he was looking back at her; was staring at her, stepping towards her, and once more, Rey felt the words stuck in her throat.

 

“You should put it on.” Ben said, holding out the star, as if it were some sort of olive branch. But it was more than that. It was an invitation. It was pulling Rey into the family; into a  forgotten traditions.

 

Luke was watching them, Rey could feel it. She felt his gaze piercing into her as she set aside the colorful bell ornament, and took the star from Ben’s  hands. It was faded; was clearly old, with a small crack in its side. But it was still beautiful.

 

Before Rey could register what was happening, Ben was lifting her up. “Ben!” She squealed, holding onto the glass star tightly, afraid that she was going to break it; was going to crush it with her grip. Ben was laughing now as he gripped her around the legs, hoisting her up onto his shoulder and into the air. She felt him wobble; felt him trying to find the right balance with the additional weight.

 

But he did it. He got them over to the tree. She reached, biting her bottom lip, a look of determination on her face. She just needed to reach a little bit farther. “Get closer,” She ordered to Ben, who took another step towards the tree. 

 

“Hurry up. You’re getting heavy,” Came his teasing response. “C’mon Rey, just put it on.”

 

Just a little bit closer and… there. Rey managed to slip the topper onto the very tallest point of the tree. 

 

“There.” She sat up straight on Ben’s shoulder. Her arm came to rest on top of his head, as a feeling of warmth spread through her. The tree was done. It was beautiful,absolutely perfect.

 

The rest of the house might be a mess. The couch was worn and faded, and the kitchen was original to the house, which was ancient. It was in dire need of some updating; of a fresh coat of paint. But this little corner; this tree with ornaments glittering and the strings of lights. This was perfect.

 

* * *

 

Han and Leia arrived the morning of Christmas Eve . 

 

Rey wasn’t sure what she was expecting. She knew that they were rich; that they lived in a fancy brownstone in a big city, and that Leia’s job was important. Like, world changing important.

 

They burst into the house, bringing in not only the winter chill from outside, but also a surprising warmth. Rey watched from the stairs as Luke and Han shook hands before her guardian planted a kiss on his sister’s cheek. And then came Ben. He stood awkwardly before his father, looking uncertain and out of place. Except then, the older man was pulling his son towards him, pulling him into an embrace. Ben remained stiff as a board; rigid and unsure. But that didn’t stop Han from holding him close.

 

With Leia, Ben  was more relaxed, even tolerating  as she put a hand on his cheek, smiling as she leaned close, quietly talking to her son.

 

There was a look of pure love and affection in her face that  caused Ben to relax. And in turn, Rey found herself beginning to relax too. But still, she stayed back; stayed seated on the stairs, unsure of what to do, unsure of her place in all this.

 

And then…

 

“You must be Rey!”

 

Leia’s eyes were a dark brown, but warm. They were so much like Ben’s. Almost identical. She was looking right at Rey, and slowly, step by step, Rey came down from her perch. She smiled nervously, tucking a lock of brown hair behind her ear, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. 

 

“Luke, are you feeding her enough?” Han teased, coming over to stand before Rey, a hand outstretched. “Nice to meet you, Rey. I’m Han.” 

 

Tentatively Rey shook his hand. He looked more like Ben. Maybe not identical. Maybe they didn’t scream family relation. The similarities were still there. The twitch of their lips and the way their eyes crinkled when they grinned.

 

Instantly Rey began to relax. Began to feel more comfortable and at home.

 

They all settled  at the kitchen table. Ben and Rey took the bags up to the spare room, where Han and Leia would be staying. Luke had gone to fetch coffee and donuts that morning, while Han went to work whipping up some bacon and eggs. 

 

“When you traveled as much as me growing up, you learned how to cook. Eating take-out got old.”

 

Han always had stories. Rey quickly learned that he had a tale for almost everything. His stories were interesting, and Han was good at telling them. He was energetic, moving his hands about as he spoke. 

 

Rey caught Ben rolling his eyes more than once; caught him mumbling things under his breath. 

 

_ Be nice _ , she silently mouthed at him, followed by a crude face. Ben rolled his eyes in response, but she swore she saw him trying to fight off a grin.

 

* * *

 

She woke in the middle of the night, her feet kicking off the covers and her throat feeling dry and scratchy.

 

Water, she needed water.

 

Quietly, Rey made her way down the hallway, rubbing the sleep from her eyes all while stifling a yawn. She didn’t even bother to check the time. It was late, or maybe it was just really early. Either way, the house was entirely silent, with all the lights turned out, and everyone asleep in their beds.

 

Or well, almost everyone.

 

She suppressed a scream as she rounded the kitchen, not expecting to see Ben seated in the dark at the kitchen table.

 

“Ben! What are you doing down here?” Rey hissed, as she brushed past him. She stood on her tiptoes, reaching for a glass in the cabinet. When Ben didn’t reply, she carried on.“You scared the shit out of me, you know.”

 

“They’re getting a divorce.”

 

The glass almost slipped from her hands. Instantly Rey turned, her hair whipping behind her as she stared at Ben with wide eyes.

 

“Says who?”

 

“They did.” Ben nodded his head towards the stairs. “I heard them arguing in their room about when to tell me and how to tell me. Leia wants to wait until after we get back from skiing. Han thinks it’s bullshit to play happy family.”

 

She was leaning against the counter, worrying her bottom lip. “What do you think?” Rey eventually asked, her voice quiet. They had seemed so happy at dinner. Sure they bickered and argued, but so did Ben and Rey. That didn’t make them any less family.

 

“I think,” It was only now that she noticed the can in Ben’s hand. Somehow she didn’t think it was a Pepsi. “I think that we haven’t been a happy family for a while. Maybe not ever.”

 

Already she was shaking her head, stepping forward, her water and thirst completely forgotten. “Your parents love you, and you love them.”

 

“You love your parents,” Ben retorted, turning to look at Rey, working his jaw. She watched the way his grip tightened on the can, heard the metal cracking under the added pressure as he raised it to his lips. “They left you for shit, and you still love them. Don’t you?”

 

She said nothing, crossing her arms over chest as if she was trying to fold in on herself. This is not the conversation she wanted to be having on Christmas. This was not what they should be talking about. Ben was just trying to deflect; trying to get the spotlight off of him.

 

“That’s different,” Rey muttered, her gaze dropped to the kitchen floor. “That’s complicated.”

 

“And this isn't?” She flinched as his volume rose. Part of Rey wanted to tell him to keep it down, warn him that he was going to wake the whole house.

 

Maybe they should wake up, another part of her mind thought. Maybe they should be here for this conversation with Ben, not her.

 

An eerie silence fell over the kitchen. Rey began to pick at her bottom lip, feeling utterly useless and little and dumb. What was she to say? What was she to do? She  just met Han and Leia. Of course, they seemed great. Everything was shiny and new. But they hadn’t been anything but tarnished to Ben for a long, long time.

 

“I’m sorry.” The words bubbled out of her throat. Rey didn’t even know what she was apologizing for. It just seemed like the right thing to say. Because Ben didn’t deserve this. No one did.

 

He said nothing. His back was hunched over, his elbows resting on the tabletop. 

 

Then she saw him begin to shake.

 

Crying, Ben was crying.

 

Instinctively Rey crossed the kitchen, her bare feet quietly padding over the cold tile floor. “Ben,” She murmured his name, trying to fix this, trying to make it better. 

 

Except there wasn’t anything Rey could do.

 

There wasn’t anything Ben could do either.

 

So, Rey merely wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek to his back and holding him close. She wanted him to know that she was going to be there for him, that she could be his family when Leia and Han didn’t want to. That she wasn’t going anywhere.

 

* * *

 

Christmas morning was the best Rey ever had. She woke up with a jolt of excitement in her veins, curious about what the day would hold. Even if she didn’t get any gifts, even if they ate nothing but Luke’s terrible cooking all day, Rey didn’t care. This was the first Christmas she got to share with the people she loved. She had gifts to give, gifts which she  contemplated about for weeks upon end, determined to get everyone something they would love and appreciate.

 

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, Rey ignored the way the cold air stung at her bare skin, causing goosebumps to break out all over. She didn’t bother with her robe or throwing  a hoodie over the oversized tee-shirt she wore to bed.

 

She was too excited to waste time on practical things like keeping warm in an old, drafty farmhouse.

 

Flinging open her bedroom door, the house still seemed still, quiet. There was a hush, like she was suddenly transported into a museum. It was almost eerie and sterile, the silence. Then, after a moment, Rey heard the sound of murmured voices downstairs. The scent of coffee wafted through the air, which meant that Luke was awake, Leia, and Han too.

 

Leia and Han.

 

The smile on her face faltered, as her conversation with Ben in the kitchen last night came flooding back.

 

Rey didn’t know how long they had stayed there, her lithe frame hunched over his, like his protector, his armor. 

 

Han and Leia were getting a divorce.

 

It was breaking Ben apart.

 

Not that he would ever admit it. Not that he would tell anyone how he had cried, already mourning the crater level fractures in his family before the news could even be announced.

 

Now he was going to have to pretend he didn’t know; play happy family until his parents decided it was the ‘right’ time to break their news to their only son.

 

Rey slowed down, glancing between the staircase and Ben’s bedroom door, which remained firmly shut at the end of the hall.

 

She should just go downstairs. She should try  to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong.

 

But Rey always sucked at lying.

 

Slowly she continued down the hallway until she stood at Ben’s door. Raising her hand, she rapped her knuckles against the wood. “Ben?” She called out, giving another knock. “It’s Christmas.”

 

She was met with nothing but silence. “Ben?” Rey tried again, her hand dropping to grip the doorknob. Giving it a twist, she half expected it to be locked. But instead of resistance, it easily turned. Cautiously Rey pushed it open, just far enough that she could duck her head in.

 

“Ben-”

 

He was awake. Not only that, but he was dressed already in sweatpants and a tee shirt. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, his feet spread apart, and his elbows resting on his knees. He didn’t bother to look up at Rey, didn’t spare her as much as a glance.

 

Rey slipped inside, leaning against his door, gently pushing it shut behind her. She worried at her lower lip, suddenly feeling uncertain and shy. This wasn’t her business, after all. This was between Ben and his parents. This was about  _ their _ family. Rey wasn’t related, she wasn’t involved.

 

Yet why did she feel like she had to fix it all? 

 

“Merry Christmas,” She finally offered after the silence felt so thick that surely she would suffocate in it. 

 

Ben grunted in response.

 

Exhaling a huff of air, she took a tentative step forward. “Look—” She waited, expecting him to cut her off, to fly off the handle on a rant. Even if he yelled at her, picked a fight, did something, it would be better than this. 

 

Rey could handle a lot, but not silence. She could deal with Ben flipping tables easier than this stoic, silent treatment. 

 

“I know this isn’t easy,” Her sock-covered feet padded across the wooden floor of his room. The mattress creaked under the additional weight as she sat on the very edge of Ben’s bed, her body angled towards his all while remaining a distance between them. 

 

“I know this wasn’t what you wanted, or—or how you wanted to spend Christmas but—” She sucked in her bottom lip, as her gaze dropped to her hands. Idly she was pulling at a stray thread on the hem of her nightgown. “I just— I know this isn’t about me. I know this is selfish, and you probably just want to hide in here all day, but please, Ben. Can we have one normal day? I just— I want my first real Christmas to be a good one, and I can’t have that without you.”

 

She braced herself for the backlash, expecting the bare minimum of an argument and preparing for a full-on uproar.

 

Instead, all she got was a slow nod.

 

“Fine,” His tone was cool, a little distant and followed by a heavy sigh. “Fine,” He repeated, as he finally turned his head to look at Rey. “I can’t make any promises but—” She watched his chin tilt down, watched as he leaned forward, his elbows still resting on the edge of his knees.

 

He looked...younger, somehow. Smaller, despite his gangly limbs and broadening shoulders.

 

Rey never thought she would see Ben this way.

 

Her lips parted, but the words fell mute on the tip of her tongue. After all, what could she say? What could she do? This was out of her hands, something she just couldn’t fix no matter how badly she wanted to.

 

Just like Ben couldn’t fix her parents; couldn’t turn them into something they weren’t, Rey couldn’t fix him either.

 

Out of instinct more than anything else, Rey reached over, placing her hand over his. It was a smaller, mirror image of their embrace in the kitchen last night. It was the least Rey could do, the only thing she could think to do.

 

But as Ben looked at her, his face relaxed, and the tiniest of smiles flickered across his lips… Rey knew that it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


	5. Winter 1994-1995 - Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You got me a Discman!?” Rey was practically squealing as she ripped off the wrapping paper, looking around the room until her eyes finally landed on Luke. She felt like she was going to burst, that her body was going to explode from excitement. Already her nimble fingers were tearing at the cardboard packaging, trying to get the device out.
> 
>  
> 
> “Actually, I didn’t.” Her guardian replied, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Ben did.”
> 
> Jaw dropping, Rey looked over towards where Ben was sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom half of the couch. His mother was perched behind him, had been lovingly reaching out to touch his shoulder or smooth down his hair. He didn’t jerk away. He didn’t say anything, didn’t lean into her touch, or really respond. But he didn’t move away either.
> 
> Rey practically catapulted herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck and holding him close. “Thank you,” She whispered. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> Christmas continues and Rey almost spends New Year's Eve alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look! i managed to update within weeks rather than months. that's progress right? 
> 
> once again, thanks goes to [dangertaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dangertaylor/pseuds/meeda) for beta-ing for me. 
> 
> thank you all for the comments on the last chapter. <3 without further ado, here is the other half of christmas with the solo-skywalker-organa clan.

“You got me a Discman!?” Rey was practically squealing as she ripped off the wrapping paper, looking around the room until her eyes finally landed on Luke. She felt like she was going to burst, that her body was going to explode from excitement. Already her nimble fingers were tearing at the cardboard packaging, trying to get the device out.

 

“Actually, I didn’t.” Her guardian replied, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Ben did.”

 

Jaw dropping, Rey looked over towards where Ben was sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom half of the couch. His mother was perched behind him, had been lovingly reaching out to touch his shoulder or smooth down his hair. He didn’t jerk away. He didn’t say anything, didn’t lean into her touch, or really respond. But he didn’t move away either.

 

Rey practically catapulted herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck and holding him close. “Thank you,” She whispered. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

 

She felt his arms tentatively move to encircle her, giving her a light pat on the back. “I’m tired of hearing your music,” came his sheepish reply. “This way, you can keep your damn headphones on and not torture the rest of us.”

 

Her face was split into two, her smile so wide. Ignoring his comments, she continued on.  “I can’t believe you did this. These things cost so much. And now— now I can take it to school. Just wait until Finn sees, he’s going to freak!”

 

She carried on, even more so once the Discman had actually been unboxed. Already she was talking about what CD’s she wanted to listen to, and oh look how sleek and small it is, and how easily it will fit in her backpack and won’t it be great to listen to music on the way to school in the mornings? 

 

Eventually, Rey was persuaded to open the rest of her gifts; a soft silky pajama set that were a beautiful shade of blue and covered in butterflies. They looked sophisticated, grown-up compared to the oversized tee shirts and flannel shorts that Rey usually wore. “I thought they would bring out your eyes,” Leia said, tucking her feet underneath her legs as she sipped her coffee.

 

Han had gifted her a toolset. “Luke said you’re pretty good at fixing things.” Which Rey was. She was still learning, slowly teaching herself how to do simple repairs and make things from scratch. It was satisfying way, and Rey often found herself fiddling with old radios or toasters, trying to bring them back to life.

 

Luke got her a gift certificate for Delia’s. “I figured you could pick out what you want. I’ve seen you eyeing up their catalog, and I noticed your jeans were getting a little short.”

 

It was perfect. All the gifts were. They had all been 

 

But still, nothing compared to Ben’s gift.

 

Rey couldn’t stop smiling, even as her cheeks began to ache.

 

“Ben, why don’t you open your gifts next,” Leia asked, leaning forward to gently ruffle her son’s shaggy hair.

 

“No, that’s okay. Someone else can go.” Came his mumbled reply.

 

“No, it’s your turn, Ben.” Rey insisted, already scrambling to retrieve his pile of gifts from under the tree.

 

She ignored the way he was practically shooting daggers at her with his eyes. She also ignored the way Ben kept exhaling heavily as if somehow opening gifts from your family was a tough burden to bear.

 

“This one’s from Luke,” Rey announced reading the label attached to the poorly wrapped gift. 

 

Ben’s face was blank as he slowly pulled away the paper. “Books.” He announced in a monotonous voice and a nonchalant nod. “And a gift certificate to Best Buy. Cool.”

 

Rey tried to ignore the way Luke was frowning and shifting in his armchair.

 

Already she was scrambling to get the next gift, thrusting it into Ben’s hands. “Open this one next. It’s from Leia.”

 

“Actually,” Han interrupted with a grin on his face. “That’s from both of us.”

 

Ben stared at his father blankly, as if the other man was speaking a foreign language or had suddenly sprouted two heads.

 

“Be nice,” Rey murmured, the corners of her lips turning down. “Ben,” She nudged the gift in his hands, trying to bring him back to reality.

 

All eyes were glued on Ben as he gave a small shake of his head, lifting his fingers to begin pulling back the shiny gift wrap. He got the first piece torn off before he gave another shake of his head.

 

“I already know what you got me.”

 

The air felt tense all around them. Han leaned against the doorframe, a hand on his hips. “Did you sneak down here to snoop last night?” His tone was light, and teasing, but it fell on deaf ears.

 

Ben was staring at his mother now, and in turn, Leia was looking right back, barely even blinking. “Han,” She murmured a soft warning. “Maybe we should talk to Ben in private.”

 

“Why?” Ben’s voice grew louder. It seemed Rey was the only one who noticed the way his hands began to shake. “Rey knows. Luke probably already does too.

 

“After all,” He let out a dry, humorless laugh. “It would be pretty on point for you two. Shitty timing, a shitty gift, and shitty parents. You guys really are three for three this year.”

 

“Hey—- Han was frowning now as he stepped forward. “I don’t know what stick’s up your ass now, but that’s not any way to talk to your mother and me.”

 

Ben quickly rose to his feet, dropping the gift carelessly to the ground. Rey stood too, her heart racing as she reached out, her fingers going to encircle his wrist. “Ben, stop. You— you  _ promised. _ ”

 

Roughly he pulled his arm out of her grasp, ignoring her pleas. “A united front?!” Ben moved towards his dad, a sarcastic smirk crossing his lips. “That’s rich, considering—“

 

“Ben.” Leia remained seated on the couch, her fingers still curled around the mug of coffee that she’d been sipping all morning long. Her face was the epitome of calm, completely neutral, and blank.

 

It was her eyes that changed. They flashed in warning, the only part of her face that betrayed her emotions. How similar she was to Ben, Rey couldn’t help but think. He really did have his mother’s eyes.

 

That one look from Leia was enough to make him stop. He opened his mouth before promptly closing it, his cheeks flushed in anger, and his fingers constantly curling and uncurling at his sides.

 

Rey reached for him again but was met with nothing but air.

 

Already Ben was moving, taking long, angry strides as he pushed past his father. A moment later, there was the sound of the front door opening, followed by a slam.

 

“What the hell was that?!” Han snapped, already turning to go after his son. “What got into him this morning? Can’t even have one nice goddamn Christmas—“

 

“Ben knows you’re getting divorced.” Rey blurted out. “He heard you two discussing it last night.”

 

All three adults shared a significant look. 

 

A heavy hush fell over the room.

 

After a beat, Leia moved to stand. “I should go talk to him.”

 

“Give him space,” Luke advised, waving a hand nonchalantly. “He’ll calm down. You know how Ben can be.”

 

Leia looked torn between ignoring her brother or taking his advice. After a moment, she turned to sit back down. Han remained standing, a deep-set frown on his face, and suddenly everyone was rendered uncertain about what to do. Did they move forward, carry on with the Christmas celebrations without Ben, or was the holiday simply on stalemate until the air had been cleared?

 

“I’m going to go shower,” Han finally announced. He didn’t wait for a reply, and after a moment, the sound of his footsteps on the creaky stairs was heard.

 

“I need more coffee,” Leia muttered, also moving away from the family room, her twin brother trailing behind her, mentioning something about getting started on breakfast.

 

Rey simply stood there, an island in the sea of discarded wrapping paper and unopened gifts.  _ It’s fine _ , she kept telling herself.  _ Family’s fight. There are disagreements, and everything doesn’t always go as planned.  _

 

But that didn’t mean things couldn’t be fixed. That didn’t mean that Rey couldn’t patch this up.

 

Thinking fast, she moved to grab a small gift that had been pushed back into the farthest corner under the tree. She dashed out of the living room, grabbing her winter coat and slipping into her worn sneakers before she slipped out the front door.

 

Luke might think Ben needed space, but Rey knew better.

 

* * *

 

“Ben?” Rey called out as she reached the top of the ladder which led up to the treehouse. She knew he was here. This was where he went when he was mad. This was where she went when she felt overwhelmed. It was their safe space, their sanctuary. 

 

It was cold out, and her breath kept coming out in little puffs of smoke. The winter coat she had thrown on in haste was working hard to keep her body warm, given the fact she had on an oversized tee-shirt and nothing else, other than shoes and socks.

The door into the treehouse was unlocked. Rey tentatively opened it, poking her head into the room, much like she had done this morning in Ben’s bedroom. “Hey.”

 

Ben was seated on her bean bag chair, the one he had purchased to replace the one he had broken. 

 

Rey’s greeting was met with stormy silence.

 

She took one step forward, then another and then a third. The treehouse wasn’t large, and it didn’t take much movement on Rey’s behalf to close the space between them. Crouching down beside him, Rey said nothing more, just thrust forward the gift that she had taken from under the tree.

 

That got his attention. He lifted his head, anger etched into his features turning into a furrowed brow and small frown of confusion. “What’s this?”

 

“Just open it,” Rey replied, giving the present a small shake.

 

He scoffed, rolling his eyes as his large hand enclosed around the package. Their fingers brushed, and Rey found herself drawn to the warmth of his body. Their eyes met, for just a second, but it was long enough to send a shiver down her spine.

 

“Is this from my parents? Luke?” Ben asked warily. He wanted to know why Rey was here, wanted to know if she was the Trojan horse and if the rest of their family would be bursting out of hidden corners, ready to confront Ben about what just happened.

 

“No, it’s from me,” Rey replied, her voice soft. She had felt so certain about it; had deemed it the perfect gift. Now, Rey’s confidence wavered as doubts and insecurities crept in. What if he didn’t like it? What if he laughed and thought it was stupid? 

 

She was holding her breath as Ben continued to unwrap it. He didn’t take his time, didn’t take care to try and save the paper. No, he tore it to shreds, and Rey watched as piece by piece, scrap by scrap, it fell away, making a small pile on the floor beside him.

 

He blinked, looking surprised as he lifted the leatherbound journal up, out of the wrapping paper wreckage.

 

“A journal.” Ben’s voice was flat, his tone monotonous, and it made Rey’s heart race as she began to panic.

 

“I thought it would be good for you. You’re always talking about different story ideas, or—or how it’s hard to turn your thoughts into feelings. It’s hard for me too, so I just— Writing helps. I thought you should write, and maybe it’ll make you feel better.” She was rambling and her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “If you don’t like it, I can take it back. Get you a Blockbuster gift card or something.”

 

“No.” He cut through her rambling, his voice clear and precise. “No, Rey. I—” He was still looking at the dark leatherbound notebook, running the pads of his fingertips over it. “It’s good. I like it, kid.”

 

A wave of relief washed over Rey. And then she was jumping forward, flinging her arms around his neck and holding onto him tight. “I’m sorry,” A rush of emotions was coursing through her veins, and suddenly everything felt overwhelming, suddenly it all just felt like too much.

 

The high expectations of the day, the tension of what was going on with Leia, Han, and Ben. And Ben… and Ben, Rey just wanted him to be happy. Even when he ditched her, and ate the last of her favorite sugary cereal and used up all the hot water before school.

 

Rey still just wanted him to be happy.

 

“I’m sorry,” She managed to get out between blubbering sobs. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I— I shouldn’t have made you do something you didn’t want to, and I just— I  _ love _ my walkman, Ben and it’s perfect and I just— I— I—” Her voice trailed off into another cry.

 

Ben had been frozen, completely immobile at her sudden surge of emotions came to a head. Then she felt him relax, felt his hand on her back, awkwardly patting her between her shoulder blades in an attempt to provide some sort of comfort.

 

“Rey, it’s fine.”

 

“No—” Now she was shaking her head, as she proceeded to drip snot and tears onto his tee-shirt clad shoulder. “No, it’s not. I ruined it. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

 

“Hey—” His voice was firm, as he held Rey by the shoulders, gently pulling her back so that they could look one another in the eye. She raised a hand, wiping at her face with the sleeve of her coat.

 

“It’s their fault. They are the adults,” He jerked his head in the direction of the house. “They should have told me sooner, or— or, I don’t know, handled the situation better. Any of them could have come out here to check on me, but they didn’t. You…  _ You _ didn’t fuck anything up. In fact,” His grip tightened on Rey, and she didn’t dare move, didn’t dare say anything or do anything that would take away from Ben’s speech. “You made it all better.”

 

Part of Rey wanted to nod, wanted to do something, or say something… anything. Instead, she just stood there, frozen and staring at Ben as he stared right back at her.

 

_ Family _ , a tiny voice whispered in the back of her head. This is what it feels like having a family. This is what it feels like to have a home. Safe. Accepted. Home.

 

“C’mon,” His hands dropped from her shoulders, and suddenly, Rey felt cold and empty without his touch. “Go get dressed. We’re getting out of here—he diner’s open. We can see a movie or something. We don’t need them.”

 

Part of Rey wanted to argue that yes, they did. That Han, Leia, and Luke, despite all their flaws, were family too. Part of her wanted to urge Ben to seek out his parents, to make them sit down and talk to him and explain what was going on.

 

But maybe pushing Ben was the reason this whole thing was a mess to begin with. Maybe had Rey just let him wallow in his room, things wouldn’t have blown up in their faces.

 

Maybe Ben just needed more space— more time.

 

It was his Christmas too, and if he didn’t want to spend it with his uncle and parents, well, who was Rey to fight against that?

 

“Okay,” She nodded, still sniffling, her cheeks stinging in the cold.

 

“I’ll meet you out by the mailbox in five?” 

 

Again she replied with a nod, and a murmured ‘okay.’

 

* * *

 

The diner, as promised, was open, yet empty.

 

They slipped into a booth, not even bothering to look at the menus that the tired-looking waitress set before them. “I’ll take a hot chocolate, please.” Rey murmured. “And pancakes with bacon and hash browns on the side.”

 

“Just coffee for me,” Ben grumbled, shoving the sticky laminated menus towards the edge of the table. Without a word, the waitress took them, turning on her heel as she called the order out to the cook in the kitchen.

 

An eerie silence fell between the two. ‘Rockin Around the Christmas Tree’ was playing, the song coming through scratchy and warbled over the radio.

 

Rey fiddled with her paper napkin, twisting and pulling at the end of it until it began to come off in pieces. 

 

“Are you going to go?” She finally asked, the words blurting out when the silence became too much. “On the trip. With Han and Leia.”

 

He exhaled slowly, his gaze slowly moving from the paper placemat  on the table to meet Rey’s eyes. “I don’t know. I probably will.”

 

“Why?” Rey furrowed her brow. “If you don’t want to go, then why do it?”

 

Ben moved, the booth groaning under his shifting weight. He was filling out, his shoulders widening, and Rey had noticed the way his tee-shirts were fitting more snug. He practically needed the entire booth, between his broad chest and his long legs. His thighs were thickening too, beginning to become corded with muscle. Not that Rey had noticed all that much. Not that she cared.

 

It made her face feel warm just thinking about it.

 

“You wouldn’t—” Ben began to say before he paused, pressing his lips tightly together as he turned to look out the window.

 

Rey studied his profile; the shape of his nose. and the line of his jaw. She liked his freckles the best. They were different from her own. Her freckles she got from the sun. When her skin grew tan, then her freckles grew prominent, scattering and spreading across the bridge of her nose towards her cheeks.

 

Ben’s freckles didn’t really change. Beauty marks, she supposed were the proper terminology for them.

 

And they were beautiful. They made Ben beautiful. Special.

 

Rey had them all memorized. She was convinced she could draw them from memory, could recreate every single one.

 

“It’s easier just to shut up and go,” Ben finally answered, leaning forward in the booth, his knees bumping into hers. “Sorry,” He murmured, shifting once again, and Rey didn’t understand why the tips of his ears flushed a light shade of pink. 

 

“But if you’re going to be miserable, if all you’re going to do is fight, then why go?”

 

He said nothing. She watched the way his jaw worked, watched the battle of thoughts and emotions swirling behind his eyes.

 

“Because they’re family.” Ben finally said, a heavy sigh tailing onto the end of his words. “Because at the end of the day, we have to deal with each other’s shit.”

 

From the age of five until last year, Rey wished for nothing more than parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and siblings to call her own. She would lay in bed, eyes squeezed tight wishing and hoping and praying to anyone or anything out in that big wide world, to hear her, to notice her. For once, she just wanted to get her way.

 

Seeing the way Ben struggle, seeing the way he felt an obligation to spend time with his parents, to put up with them as the easy way out….

 

It made Rey wonder if she was lucky. Maybe having a family wasn’t all it's cracked up to be. Maybe it wasn’t about sharing meals around the kitchen table or bickering over radio stations in the back of a station wagon.

 

Maybe Rey had wasted all those years wishing for the wrong thing.

 

***

 

Ben left the day after Christmas, trailing behind Han and Leia, not even bothering to hide his sour mood.

 

“Be nice,” Rey had murmured, jabbing her elbow into his side.

 

He had replied with nothing but a grunt. But Rey swore she saw his frown relax. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

 

The house was quiet without Ben. Luke retreated to his room, muttering something about recouping from having company.

 

Rey couldn’t remember the last time she essentially had the house to herself.

 

At first, it was thrilling, the idea of not having to justify her television preferences to Ben or argue with Luke over the volume. She fixed herself the largest bowl of Cocoa Puffs, a glass of orange juice, and curled up on the couch to watch old reruns of Star Trek.

 

The excitement didn’t last.

 

By day two, Rey was feeling restless. Luke has resumed working, and she ended up cleaning up her room and working on her English paper that was due the week after New Year’s.

 

Day three, Rey was full out bored, and once New Year’s Eve rolled around, she felt as if her entire winter break had been wasted on nothing more than movie marathons and pointless chores.

 

None of her friends were around. Finn was still gone on a cruise with his aunts, while Rose had spent the break with her family to visit her grandparents in Hays Minor.

 

She hated to admit it, but as annoying as Ben’s presence was, she missed him. They spent most of their free time together, reading in the treehouse or walking down to the gas station for Slushees.

 

Rose and Finn were her closest friends, but Ben? Ben was the best. Her best friend. 

 

Now he was off bonding with his parents, skiing down slopes.

 

_ He probably met someone pretty. _

 

Instinctively Rey pushed that thought aside, her cheeks flushing and her mind. 

 

Why would she care? She didn’t care.

 

Cousins, they were practically cousins.

 

Rey shifted in her seat on the floor, her back leaning against the bottom half of the couch. A blanket had been draped around her shoulders, and the room was dark, the only glow emitting from the tv where Dick Clark was yet again ringing in the New Year.

 

In under an hour, 1994 would be gone while 1995 would just be getting started.

 

And how was Rey ringing in the New Year? Alone. Like every other year, except this time, she had slightly burnt microwave popcorn.

 

“Stay up with me,” She had begged Luke. “We can wear stupid hats and bang pots out on the front porch.”

 

Her guardian had chuckled before giving a small shake of his head. “I’d be asleep on that couch before we even got to eleven. You wouldn’t be able to hear anything over the sound of my snoring.”

 

How was it even when she had a family, Rey still felt alone?

 

The sound of the front doorknob clicking yanked her out of her thoughts, her heart beating loudly in her chest. Who the hell would be coming through the front door? Luke was still in his room, and Ben’s flight didn’t get in until the day after tomorrow.

 

Slowly she began to rise to her feet, clutching the blanket tighter around her form. A scream was on the tip of her tongue, and she quickly scanned the room, looking for anything that could double as a weapon.

 

A lamp. The best Rey could come up with was a lamp.

 

Clutching the base of it, her palms felt warm and sweaty. Maybe she should just bolt for it. Maybe she should hide.

 

“Fucking  _ hell. _ ” A gust of wind pushed the door open with a slam. Rey began to run forward, yelling at the top of her lungs, the lamp still gripped in her hands.

 

And then…

 

“Ben!?”

 

Sure enough, Ben Solo was stomping the soles of his boots onto the foyer rug. Flakes of snow dotted his dark head. He had barely been gone a week, but already he seemed taller, seemed older… different.

 

“What the fuck?!” Ben looked over at Rey, still ready to strike albeit awkwardly with the lamp, bits of popcorn dotting the front of her sweatshirt. “That’s your plan against a home invasion? A damn lamp?”

 

He looked amused and irritated all at the same time. Then again, that was Ben.

 

Instinctively Rey felt her cheeks flush as she slowly lowered the light. “It was the first thing I could grab. And you can’t tell me that it wouldn’t hurt if I swung hard enough.”

 

“Yeah sure, kid. Whatever you say.” He was smirking at her now, flashing her crooked teeth with a sarcastic smile. Ben dropped his duffel bag to the floor with a thud, already shrugging out his coat and toeing off his boots. “I thought you would be happier to see me.”

 

“I am.” Rey retorted coolly. She was. She couldn’t lie about that, but she wasn’t about to fawn over his returned presence. “Luke’s boring. He went to bed early. He didn’t even want to see the ball drop.”

 

Silently Ben nodded, looking over her shoulder towards the living room. “I hate Dick Clark, but I’m too wired to sleep. Mind if I watch with you?”

 

Rey shook her head as she trailed off after Ben. She put the lamp back in its previous place, before picking up the discarded afghan and the bowl of popcorn. There was nothing left but kernels and burnt pieces, so Rey set it onto the coffee table.

 

Ben was already seated on the couch, so Rey curled up on the opposite end, the blanket draped over her legs.

 

Fifteen minutes until midnight. 

 

Steve Harvey and Margaret Cho were going back and forth, while they promised a final performance of Hootie and the Blowfish.

 

“You’re home early,” Rey mused out loud, tentatively testing the waters. “Did you cut your trip short?” It was a stupid question. Of course, the vacation got cut short. What other reason was there for Ben showing up two days early, so late at night?

 

“Leia had a work emergency. They offered for me to go back with them, but honestly, I was just ready to come back home.”

 

Home.

 

This was his home—his old, creaking farmhouse with chipping paint and never enough hot water.

 

With her and Luke.

 

There was a silence as a sly smirk slowly spread across her lips. “Did you really suck that bad at skiing?”

 

“No.” Except he replied too late. It was nothing much longer than a beat, a small pause. But it was enough.

 

“You fell, didn’t you? You actually sucked at skiing.” Rey turned in her seat, grinning wide now as she watched Ben scowl. 

 

“It’s harder than it looks.” He retorted, crossing his arms over his chest. “I haven’t gone since I was a kid. It made sense that I was rusty.”

 

“I thought that was a requirement,” Rey carried on, looking as pleased as the Cheshire cat. She was facing him now, Dick Clark and his rockin’ New Year’s Eve entirely forgotten. “I thought you couldn’t be a rich kid without knowing how to ski.”

 

After all, all the rich kids on TV went skiing. Saved by the Bell, Beverly Hills, 90210. They always went skiing. Always.

 

“I’m not a rich kid.” Ben retorted, his sheepish embarrassment fading away into something else. 

 

She knew better than to push it. Despite it being just a few days, Ben still had been gone. The last thing Rey wanted was to rock the boat. Not when he had come home early. Not when he had chosen to come back rather than to spend more time with his parents.

 

So she kept her mouth. She pressed together her teeth and lips, instead opting to turn back to the TV. 

 

* * *

 

Rey sat up straighter on the couch as she began to chant. “Ten, nine, eight—C’mon Ben! Countdown!” 

 

He was rolling his eyes, Rey could tell even without looking at him, could feel the sarcastic gesture to her right. But as she resumed counting down to the new year, she also heard his voice mixed with hers. 

 

“Five, four, three, two, one.” They began to chant together, excitement and a rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins. About what, she had no idea. How was ‘95 going to be any different than ‘94? Then again, perhaps it wasn’t what laid ahead. Maybe it was about what she had now. A family, friends, stability, regular meals, and people that cared.

 

For the first time for as long as she could remember, Rey was starting out a new year on a positive note. Rey was starting out in a home.

 

“Happy New Year!” Rey shouted, tilting her head back, forgetting the fact that Luke was sleeping just a floor away. She lifted her hands, waving them about as the people on TV became showered with confetti, and the camera began to pan over various couples kissing.

 

The room suddenly felt warm, the air thick.

 

Ben was not more than a few inches to her right, yet it felt like both a wide, gaping chasm and too close all at the same time. 

 

Suddenly Rey wondered if he had ever kissed anyone at midnight. If he had ever had a girlfriend, someone that he took on dates and that he made out in the back of the car.

 

She knew for a fact that he had kissed Iden Verso before. Rose  heard from her sister that Iden and Ben hung out sometimes, at parties or after school. Paige had seen them.

 

Rey wondered if Ben wanted to be with Iden right now. If he would rather it was the older ninth-grade girl with dark hair and clear skin seated on the couch beside him.

 

Rey wondered if he had done anything more than make out.

 

She felt the couch cushions shift as Ben got to stand up. “Don’t stay up too late, kid.” He reached over, ruffling her hair as he stood, making his way out of the room and up the creaking staircase to his bed. Suddenly Rey felt little; she felt young and childish in her oversized Looney Tunes tee-shirt and red flannel bottoms.

 

Sometimes hanging out with Ben made her feel older. She felt like his equal; felt responsible and mature. But then it always ended, came crashing back down on her like a heavy tidal wave. A cold reminder that she would always be younger that she would always be behind.

 

She would always be the ‘kid’, the tag-along who had to be reminded to eat her vegetables and go to bed early.

 

Because, no matter what, Rey would always be playing catch up to Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


End file.
